What an absurd situation to be in. A scientist of his intellect, serving as a shill to induce brainless students to waste their money attending E.S.U. A waste because ultimately they would not remember or understand most of what they learned. Furthermore, the degree they believed would be their passport to riches would, ultimately, avail them nothing. Thousands of students would be foisted onto the job market with identical degrees. Thousands of faceless drones, each indistinguishable from the other. Pathetic. All of them.

– Dr. Octopus’ views of college students, from the novella Spider-Man by Stan Lee and Peter David

Greetings, y’all! ‘Tis I, the Scarecrow, coming at you in print once again! I hope you like the “inspirational” quote I selected to start this, the first column of this year. It really accurately describes the situation of students, doesn’t it? I think this is something I’d like to try in the column this year. I’ll start each one with a different quote from my favorite books, movies, or TV shows. This could work. And it is of little changes, that I wish to speak of in this column.

Ever since I was a kid in elementary school, I always thought that it would make more sense to start a calendar when school starts. You know, everyone calls this “the start of a new year,” but it’s not a new year! It’s the same one as when the last semester ended! So what is it with this “new year” junk? Well, for argument’s sake, we’ll say it’s a new year. And, what’s the best to celebrate a new year, than with new year’s resolutions? This column, then, is going to be spent sharing my new year’s resolutions with you for this, my final school year (if all goes smoothly).

1) Lose weight. OK, I know everyone makes this New Year’s resolution, so I thought I’d be consistent.

2) Stop plugging my radio show to the point where it gets annoying. By the way, that’s Chaos in a Box with the Scarecrow, Wednesdays on CLCR.

3) Get Augustana president Richard Husfloen to be a special guest on my show. Last year, I took offense that he had never invited me over to his house to have pizza, but he had invited every other elitist group on campus. So, I invited him to come on my show, have a pizza and get to know me. But, every time I started marching up those stairs in Old Main to extend my invitation personally, I’d get weak in the knees, collapse, and go tumbling down the stairs. The receptionists would just laugh. But this year, I’m going to do it dag nabit! Or my name isn’t Scare J. Crow! Oh, and if you want to read the column where I challenged him, cruise by my website Chaos on the Net: http://listen.to/chaosinabox (Yes, it’s a real URL).

4) I want to lobby the Wendy’s corporation to finally put a Wendy’s in town! It’s my favorite fast food restaurant and we must have one! Oh wait. They did that over the summer. Then my work on this one is done.

5) In keeping with the new “cutting edge” theme of the Dag, as established last year, I am going to do more “cutting edge” columns. So, look for the future topics Who needs friends when you can play with yourself! and How to kill a stoopid poopy cat. For those who don’t get that “cutting edge” final reference, drop by the Dag office sometime and ask to see the most offensive comic strip ever printed.

6) Petition the college to re-name the Auxiliary Building one of the following choices: a) South Hall b) The Arts Building c) Building by the Ravine d) The Scarecrow Building. I don’t know about you, but I just find the name Auxiliary Building too utilitarian. One of these other name just has more life to it. And, if that fails, I’m going to get the creek in the ravine named Scarecrow’s creek.

7) I want to experience my first kiss. I’ll elaborate in a later column.

8) I want to be in the play! True, I’m not a drama major. I’ve never even been in a drama class. But, I want a role in the play! It doesn’t have to be a large role. Just one of those tiny roles where I have only two lines and the people in the audience gasp and say “That’s the Scarecrow!” And, if that fails, I want to use that sign on the Theater Building to plug my show Chaos in a Box with the Scarecrow, Wednesdays on CLCR.

9) I was unemployed all summer, so I’m going to form the non-profit charity called Help Scarecrow Pay for College. All money goes to paying my phone bill and buying next semester’s text books. Donations can be sent to Scarecrow, care of the Dag office.

10) Host the formal. I don’t know why, this is just something I’ve had a weird urge to do ever since I attended my first formal in first year. Just to be up there and say “Table 12, it’s your turn to go get dressed-up cafeteria food,” and “They were great, weren’t they? Now, here’s another music major showing off his/her ‘talents.'” Plus, during every lull in the show, I could plug my show, Chaos in a Box with the Scarecrow, you know the rest.

11) Keep my columns short, so the editors can no longer use that “We had to edit because it was too long” excuse. Plus, that’ll give them the room they like to have their full page rants editorials.

And, that last resolution is a wonderful one to end this on. This looks like it’s going to be my final year here, and if it is, I want to go out with a bang! The column’s back, the show is going to be back, and my website just hit 275 hits! So, if you are currently drinking a beverage, I would like you to raise your glass and toast to another fine year at Augustana. Goodnight, everybody!

Don’t forget, if you didn’t like this column, then you’ll probably hate my show, Chaos in a Box with the Scarecrow, Wednesdays on CLCR. And check out my website, http://listen.to/chaosinabox. Yes, it’s a real website address.