Hi! Firstly, I should say that I am not the Scarecrow. This is Mark Cappis. You are probably wondering why I am writing the Scarecrow’s column this month. Well, Scarecrow and I have been friends for a long time. We met in first year, got to know each other, now we hang out and watch Star Trek and stuff like that. And, when Scarecrow got on this ten-most-interesting-people list, he said he’d sure like someone to interview him. Impressed with that letter I wrote in the December Dag, he called me up and asked if I’d be the interviewer. He said that “This would be [his] last chance to tell people what [he] really thinks.” Unable to turn down a challenge like this, I gladly accepted. So, we decided to get together one Friday afternoon in the coffee-house, and the witty banter began:
Let no one enter here who is ignorant of geometry
– The sign above the door to Plato’s Academy
Greetings y’all! ‘Tis I, the Scarecrow, coming at you in print once again! This has not been the best of times for this columnist. Usually, I write my best stuff when I’m really, really mad about something, or when I’m really, really happy about something. But, I’ve just been kind of depressed lately. And when that happens, I write stuff similar to what I wrote last issue. The kind of article where you read it and just have to ask “Is this person on something?” But hey, this is the Dag, and I’m sure you think that about half of the articles in here. I don’t know, maybe it’s just because of the conflicted life I lead. What? An inner struggle? That sounds like the makings of a great column. One so new and different, you’ll swear you’ve read it before.
Hakkuna Mutatah, what a wonderful phrase!
Hakkuna Mutatah, ain’t no passin’ craze!
– Timon and Pumbah from The Lion King
Greetings, y’all! ‘Tis I, the Scarecrow, always coming at you print until the day you die! Or pay off your student loans, whichever comes first. I tell you, by writing this, I’m trying to work through one huge case of writer’s block. My last column (in the little-seen Christmas issue) was a triumph of the human spirit, but people are still complementing me on Observations, Angst and Jell-o, from two issues back. So, there’s just a little bit of pressure on me for this one. Not as much as say, George Lucas, who is currently finishing the first new Star Wars movie in 16 years. Now that guy’s under pressure! But I digress. There is one little thing that has been gnawing at my soul for a while now, so I hope you’ve got your helmets on, because I’m going to be beating you over the head with a message!
Losers whine about their best. Winners get to go home and f**k the prom queen.
– Sean Connery’s character in The Rock
Greetings, y’all! ‘Tis I, the Scarecrow, coming at you in print once again. OK, I didn’t want to start the column with that, but I didn’t want the editor to think I submitted the wrong thing again. That’s how he tells it’s my column you know, by that greeting. Anyway, something has been brewing inside me all day, and it finally came to a head and I had to write about it.
…I often wish aloud that people would submit stimulating articles rather than mindless ketchup musings and misplaced angst not so cleverly disguised as (supposedly) witty rants.
-Phil Penrod’s views of The Dag, from his column in the last issue
Greetings, y’all! ‘Tis I, the Scarecrow, “ranting” to you once again! You know, after reading the good Mr. Penrod’s column in the last issue, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit guilty. Face it, when it comes to “misplaced angst,” my column has got to be one of the biggest instigators. But hey, that angst has to go somewhere, right? “Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed from one form to another,” so I turn my angst energy into creative energy, but sometimes it still comes across as angst energy. So, to Mr. Penrod and those of his ilk, I suggest you quit reading now, and take the latest sex test. And for the rest of you, get ready for some serious angst!
There’s a time and a place for everything. It’s called college.
– Chef’s views of post-secondary education, from an episode of South Park
Greetings, y’all! ‘Tis I, the Scarecrow, coming at you in print once more. I’m wondering if I should keep the name, seeing as to how in the last issue of the Dag, our kind editors went and blew my secret identity. I think I will keep it, because it’s like that issue of Batman: I draw strength from the mask. Also, since it is probably common knowledge by now that I lost the election I’ve been devoting my life to, this column was originally going to be a mean, bitter piece about how I recounted what I did wrong, and I was going to make fun of the winner of that fateful election. But, I’m over it now, and I would like to extend my congratulations to the good Mr. Nichols.
So, if I’m not whining over my election defeat, why is this column called The Obsession? What more do I have to complain about? Are you sure you want to continue this line of questioning, because I am going to tell you what more I have to whine about. Well, I am a four year student, and I just did something that I never thought I’d do. I never saw myself as that kind of person, but I went ahead and did it. I always looked down on those who did do it, and scoffed them for their views. But, now that I am one of them, I have a better understanding of why they do it, and what drives them to it. For you see, for the first time ever, I, Scare Crow, have dropped a course. Yes. It’s something I’m not proud of, but I have done it nonetheless.
What an absurd situation to be in. A scientist of his intellect, serving as a shill to induce brainless students to waste their money attending E.S.U. A waste because ultimately they would not remember or understand most of what they learned. Furthermore, the degree they believed would be their passport to riches would, ultimately, avail them nothing. Thousands of students would be foisted onto the job market with identical degrees. Thousands of faceless drones, each indistinguishable from the other. Pathetic. All of them.
– Dr. Octopus’ views of college students, from the novella Spider-Man by Stan Lee and Peter David
Greetings, y’all! ‘Tis I, the Scarecrow, coming at you in print once again! I hope you like the “inspirational” quote I selected to start this, the first column of this year. It really accurately describes the situation of students, doesn’t it? I think this is something I’d like to try in the column this year. I’ll start each one with a different quote from my favorite books, movies, or TV shows. This could work. And it is of little changes, that I wish to speak of in this column.
Greetings, y’all! ‘Tis I, the Scarecrow, coming at you once more. You know, I should be taking advantage of my Spring Break to relax and just chill. But, something arose, and I felt compelled, no, inspired to write this column. It all started on a relaxing Sunday evening. I was just lying around enjoying my Coach re-runs (all my first year buddies will attest of my love for that show), when my mother brought to my attention that my parents had received a letter from this fine institution (the college, not the _ag) hitting them up for money. Now, being the fine supporter of this institution that I am, I asked to see this letter. Let me just say, that upon reading this letter, there was something in there that just started to bug me, providing the aforementioned inspiration.
Greetings, y’all! ‘Tis I, the Scarecrow, coming at you in print once again. I’m sure that by now, you have all seen my election posters plastered all around campus. That’s right! I want a piece of the pie! I want to run this joint! So, I have declared my candidacy, and put up my posters declaring the real issues, such as world domination. Within a couple of hours of putting up my posters, one of our esteemed _ag editors (the good one, not the one with the god complex) asked me to throw together a little article with my views on the forthcoming elections. So, this is my view askew of the other candidates. Let me just say, the gloves (and most of my other clothing) are off for these comments.
Greetings y’all. ‘Tis I, the Scarecrow, coming at you in print once again. Now, I am a person who is all for change and all for things for the better, but I am staring to have my doubts about these new editors of the Dag, or the Rag, or the Tag, or the Bag, or whatever they decide to call it this month. I met the new editors. I speak to the new editors. They are good people. And I will admit that their first issue was pretty good (except for that name thing, which ticked off a few people). But, it was a few weeks later as I was re-reading it and found something that something offended me.