This is weird. I think this is the first week since I started doing this that I have absolutely nothing to talk about. I mean, I had this brilliant column written. It was gutsy! It was real world! It was cutting edge! But, one of my friends asked that I not publish it. So what if I portrayed him as murderous, treacherous, and just plain evil drug dealer? If you can’t make false accusations about your friends, then who can you falsely accuse? Now, with that column in the “un-publishable” file, I need to throw something together at the last minute. So, then, what should I write about?

I could write about how I seem to have become a magnet for pen-and-pencil sets. I came to this realization the other day, when I got one in the mail from Augustana Interactive Radio manager William Voth. It was his way of expressing his thanks for doing my Al-a-thon ’99 last week. So, I took that pen-and-pencil set and put it with the others. Let’s see, there’s the one I got from my godmother as a college grad gift. There’s the one my Dad stuck in my stocking last year for Christmas. There’s the hand-crafted one I got from some German relatives. There’s the one my parents’ got me from the Neuschwanstein gift shop when they were in Germany. And finally, there’s the one my Grandpa and Grandma gave me for my high school grad. That one I do treasure, if simply because it’s the last gift I got from my Grandpa and Grandma. Shortly before my grad, my Grandma was killed in a car accident, and when my Grandpa gave me that pen-and-pencil set for grad, me made it very clear that it was from him and Grandma. I have declared that set the lucky set. I just filled out a job application with it, and it’s a job I hope to get. I find I set all these pens aside, and save them for a special occasion. You know, I tend to carry around a 50-cent Bic with me wherever I go, just in case I need a pen. I only carry these with me when I’m all dressed-up. They’ve become “dress pens.” I eventually see a day where the pen-and-pencil set is phased out in favor of the keyboard-and-mouse set, seeing as to how everyone types everything these days.

I could write about the strange dream I had last night. OK, here’s how it went. I was one of the newest hotshot lawyers working for the firm of Cage and Fish. That’s right, I was one of the lawyers on Ally McBeal. After unsuccessfully hitting on Nell, word came in that John Cage had been accused of a crime he didn’t commit. So, I heroically took on the case. After a lengthy court battle, I was able to clear John’s good name. Since that was a rather long day, I returned home to relax, only to have my parents drag me off to some Agricultural Fair in Edmonton. It wasn’t long before I managed to ditch my parents so I could hang out with my bestest friends in the whole wide world. That’s right, I was hanging out with the gang from The Drew Carey Show. After successfully wrestling my Jell-o away from Lewis, Kate and I went some place where we could be alone and eat some Jell-o. That’s when I woke up. Strange. I think it simply means one thing: I have been watching way too much TV.

I could tell you with my girlish glee how I just discovered that my new favorite animated film, The Iron Giant, is coming out on video and DVD on November 23. For people like me, it is also being released in a widescreen edition. But then, I’ve already e-mailed everyone I know about that, so I think I’ll leave that alone.

I could rave on about Gargoyles. One of my favorite cartoons of all time, and the Family Channel is showing it every night at 12:30! Thank God for my VCR! I’ve almost completely filled a tape. Just the other night, they showed the episode “Metamorphosis.” This was the origin episode of one my favorite under-utilized characters: the Mutates. As it turns out, the evil Xanatos contacted the geneticist Sevarius to see if it would be possible to “create” gargoyles. Sevarius originally wanted to simply clone Goliath, but he didn’t have any of Goliath’s DNA. (He eventually got some and created Thailog, Goliath’s evil clone, but that’s another story.) So, Sevarius came up with this plan. Gargoyles have the strength and speed of a jungle cat, the wings of a bat, and intelligence of a human. Why not genetically combine the three? But, he discovered that, in order to sustain their strength, a gargoyle would need to eat 3 sides of beef per day. He then learned that when gargoyles turn to stone in the day, they actually become solar collectors, and that’s what keeps their energy up. The closest thing he could find in nature was the electricity producing organs of the electric eel. So, he created a mutagen that would add cat, bat, and electric eel DNA to a human (when injected), thus turning the human into a gargoyle-like creature. But, these gargoyles don’t turn to stone in the day, and (as a side effect of the electric eel DNA) can electrify their bodies and shoot lightning bolts. These mutates were in the employ of Xanatos for a while, but they eventually saw his evil, and thus formed their own gargoyle clan, and allied themselves with Goliath and our heros.

Xanatos and Sevarius created four mutates. The first was Fang. He was some kind of street punk before he was mutated, and stuck with his evil ways even after leaving Xanatos. Then, there was Claw. There was a flaw with his mutation, and it left him unable to speak. Maggie the Cat is the third. Old story: young woman comes from the country to make it big in the city, but soon finds herself homeless and on the street. Young woman becomes assistant to mad scientist, who uses her as guinea pig. Of all the mutates, she is the only one who retained her human name. And finally, we have Talon, leader of the mutates. In his human life, he was Derek Maza, Elisa’s brother. His mutation, naturally, caused heartache for his sister and family, but he vowed to use his new powers for good, thus continuing the family cop tradition. I wish there were more episodes with them. I would have loved to have learned more.

If I wanted to, I could continue on with Coldstone and the cyber-gargoyles, but since there is no direction to this column, it’s best to keep it short. Instead, I’d like to share with you two of my favorite dialogues from Gargoyles. This first one comes from the episode “Awakenings Part III.” It is between Hudson and Elisa, and it is when Hudson chooses his name. Let me set the scene: Goliath and Elisa have just met the night before, and Elisa is about to show Goliath the city. Hudson swoops in, saying he was watching over Goliath to make sure Elisa wasn’t setting a trap. And thus, our dialogue:

Elisa>> Jeez, you guys are paranoid even for New York! (Turning to Hudson) And what’s your name?

Hudson>> You humans. Nothing exists to you until you’ve named it; given it limits. Why is that?

Elisa>> (Stammering) Er, uh, well, it’s just that things need names.

Hudson>> Oh really? Does the sky need a name? (Pointing to the river) Does the river?

Elisa>> The river’s called the Hudson.

Hudson>> (sighs) Fine. Then I shall be the Hudson as well.

This next dialogue comes from the episode “Eye Of the Beholder.” It’s is Xanatos’ marriage proposal to Fox. I love it because it’s the most emotionless marriage proposal I’ve ever heard. The scene: a romantic candlelight dinner at Xanatos and Fox’s penthouse:

Xanatos>> Marry me.

Fox>> Are you serious?

Xanatos>> We’re genetically compatible, highly intelligent, and have the same goals. It makes perfect sense to get married.

Fox>> True. But what about. . .love?

Xanatos>> I think we love each other. As much as two people such as ourselves are capable of that emotion. (Presents the Eye of Odin)

Fox>> For me?

Xanatos>> To seal the bargain.

Fox>> It’s beautiful. Proposal accepted.

Don’t worry. As the episode progresses, we see that the Eye of Odin turns Fox into a werewolf, and Xanatos fights with all his resources to cure her, even begging his greatest enemy for help. We discover that these two are much more capable of love than they let on. And that’s where I’ll end this!

For those just tuning in: I’ve got this friend, whom I’ve dubbed “Neelix” to protect his identity, and I occasionally send him these rambling e-mails just to get stuff of my chest. Well, I decided to start publishing them as columns. Here’s my latest:

Hey Neelix!

OK, I’ve had this anecdote swelling up in me for the last two weeks, and I finally had to get it out of my system. One Saturday, my sister was feeling unusually generous. Her boyfriend and her were going down to Drayton Valley, and she asked me if I would like to come. As soon as she said that they’d be stopping at McDonald’s, and that she was buying, I was in. So we’re in McDonald’s, and I’m eating a Big Xtra, McDonald’s latest novelty burger. As I was dining on it, I mused aloud “Gee, I wonder whatever happened to the Arch Deluxe? It came in with such big fanfare a few years ago, and they don’t have it anymore.” As my sister, her boyfriend and myself started tossing around theories, the woman at the next table spoke up. It turns out she was the manager of this particular McDonald’s, and before that, she managed one in big city BC (Chilliwak? Coquitlan? One of those “c” names), and she gladly filled us in. The Arch Deluxe is no longer sold because it just wasn’t selling anymore. She worked at a downtown location, and they would only sell 50 or so in a day. That sounds like a lot, but bear in mind that this is a McDonald’s in the downtown core of a city. That’s not much. So, the Arch Deluxe was canceled. But, she said, the Big Xtra is just like the Arch Deluxe with only 2 main differences: 1) The Big Xtra is made with lean beef, making it less greasy, less fatty, and more filling. 2) The Big Xtra has a slightly different assortment of spices in its special sauce. Other than that, they are exactly the same.

She then continued on telling us how the same fate befell McDonald’s pizza. The one she used to work at would order in a 3-months supply, and it would go bad before it was even touched. For some reason, she said, McDonald’s pizza just didn’t do well in Western Canada. Apparently it’s still a big seller in the Maritimes. This manager told us how she loved McDonald’s pizza, and that she would eat a cheese one on her break all the time. At this, her break ended, and she had to go back to work. Then, I turned to my sister and her boyfriend and confessed the truth: I though McDonald’s pizza sucked and I never noticed it was gone. But, I was amazed at how our dining experience at McDonald’s had been enhanced by this friendly person.

Speaking of people who work in fast food restaurants, I had the pleasure of watching Clerks again the other day. My sister, who loved Chasing Amy and Mallrats had never seen it, so it was time to induct her into Kevin Smith’s full body of work. As I was watching it, it finally donned on me how much I have in common with the character of Dante. We both endlessly complain about our station in life, yet we do very little to try and change things. Why is that? Speaking from experience, I think it’s because I get comfortable too easily. And when you’re comfy, you don’t really want to change your position in life. Maybe I should quit whining and start doing something. But hey, hasn’t that already been the subject of at least a dozen prior columns? I tend to end each one with that theme with “Tomorrow things will be different!” But tomorrow comes, and I spend the whole thing on the couch watching TV. Why is that? Maybe the sad truth is I’m all out of ambition.

What’s really weird is what I’m currently ambitious towards doing. I’ve been wondering what it would take to complete my collection of Ninja Turtle comics. To be more specific, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Adventures. This was the comic put out by Archie Comics (of all studios!) To tie in with the Ninja Turtle toys and cartoons. A lot of people may dismiss it as simply being something to sell toys, but there was a lot of good stuff in that series. Along they way, they introduced a lot of interesting characters, like Jagwar, the Brazilian half-human/half-jaguar who lived a Tarzan-like existence in the rainforests. There was Dreadmon, the Jamaican werewolf, who also ended up in South America. And then there was Ninjara. After the fans started screaming that they introduce a female mutant to the comics, Ninjara was introduced. She was from an ancient race of fox people who lived on an island off the coast of Japan. Soon, she turned her back on her homeland to see what life was like out in the real world. She quickly became the top thief in Japan, and was the right-hand mutant to Chein Kahn, the half-human/half-dog Japanese crime lord. When she discovered Kahn’s true plan (unleashing a demon and taking over the world), she renounced her evil ways and assisted the Ninja Turtles in stopping him. When this adventure in Japan was over, she journeyed with the Turtles back to New York City, where she moved into the sewers with them and joined their team. She also became Raphael’s lover. So, back to completing this collection. I have no idea how to go about doing it. I have a hunch that trying to find back issues of TMNT Adventures is going to be like what you discovered with the G.I. Joe comics: they aren’t worth a lot, but they’re not out there, meaning those who have them aren’t letting them go. Just in case you’re interested, this would be what I need to get a complete collection:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures #5, 6, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 62+
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Special #3+
Merdude (3-issue mini-series) #1 – 3
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II (The comic adaption of the movie)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (The comic adaption of the movie)

And, if I really wanted the complete collection:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (mini-series) #1 – 3 — This was a 3-issue adaption of the first 5 episodes of the cartoon, and the first Ninja Turtle comics put out by Archie. They started doing the regular series about 6 months later.

I guess I’ll always regret having quit collecting the comics when I did. The last one I bought was issue number 61, and I think the series lasted to issue number 75. So, if I stuck with it just a little longer, I would have had them all. But, I quit buying them because I couldn’t afford them anymore. That’s why I didn’t buy the specials (which I think lasted to issue #9), and passed on the Merdude mini-series. But, what I do have is very cool. I’ve got the special one-shot The Ninja Turtles Meet Archie. I’ve got the 3-issue Mutant Universe Sourcebook, which was the Marvel Universe and D.C.’s Who’s Who for the Ninja Turtle series. I’ve got the two April O’Neil mini-series. And, I’ve got the complete run of Mighty Mutanimals. This was a short-lived spin-off where a group of other mutant animals banded together to form their own super-hero group. They started in a 3-issue mini-series, then had nine issues of a regular series. So, if I do decide to complete my collection, I hope you lend me your Wizards to do the research!

Well, I’m sure I pestered you for enough tonight. See ya!

Mark

Continue reading Completion of the Quest →

Note: if you missed Midnight Ramblings I, then let me explain this. Once in a while, I send these long, rambling e-mails to a friend of mine, named “Nelix” in these columns. I soon began thinking “Why not publish these ramblings as columns?” So, that’s what I do.

Hey Nelix!

So, what’s up in your world? Not much new is going on in mind. I just have to tell you about my latest impulse buy. I was in Wal-Mart the other day and, as always, I was perusing the toy aisle. You will remember how I rave about my action figure collection. As always, I ended up where the Star Wars toys are. They just are the hot collectible today. I was greeted by row upon row of Episode I action figures. Right now I am a little pissed that the new assortment hasn’t made it to Canada yet, but that’s a separate issue. When it comes to my Episode I action figures, I’ve got my Obi-Wan Kenobi, my Qui-Gon Jinn and my (now ultra-rare) Darth Maul. That’s all I need. So, after some poking around, I soon found the Power of the Force action figures. These are the guys from the original trilogy. Yes, they are still making them. I was thrilled that they had a little two-pack that I’d heard about. I am talking about the Jawa and Gonk Droid two pack! You’re probably wondering what the hell a Gonk Droid is. Well, remember in Star Wars when R2-D2 and C-3P0 had been captured by the Jawas and we saw that whole menagerie of droids in their sand crawler? Well, the Gonk Droid was the little guy who looked like an upside down garbage can with legs. He had a more memorable scene in Return of the Jedi when he was on a torture rack getting his feet burned. He is more commonly referred to as a Power Droid. He’s called a Gonk Droid because “Gonk” is the only word it says. Now why the hell did I buy it? I’m still not to sure. Probably because the Gonk Droid was one of the few characters left to become an action figure, and because of that he was becoming one of the most sought-after Star Wars action figures. Plus, he is kind of cute for a box with legs. And now he’s mine!

Actually, I got this brilliant idea. When I become a famous novelist, I think I’m going to write a comic book mini-series called Star Wars: Gonk’s Adventure, all about the adventures of the Gonk Droid. I’d say (in a tounge-in-cheek kind of way) how he was really the one who blew up the second Death Star in Return of the Jedi. Let’s just say that this is my way of protesting how ever character with 2 seconds of screen time in the Star Wars universe gets a whole back story and history.

I’ve also been noticing that all these Star Wars action figures come with these CommTech chips now. I wonder what lines of dialogue are on the Jawa and Gonk Droid’s chip. Probably “Gonk” and some miscellaneous Jawa chirps. I might have to give in and get one of these chip readers. Oh, and I lied when I said that Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Darth Maul were all I needed. I wouldn’t mind getting Captain Panaka. I thought he was kind of cool. But, he’s in that second assortment that hasn’t made it to Canada yet! I could buy him from the Star Wars online store, but I don’t have that kind of money yet.

On a completely unrelated topic, I see that an all-new Sesame Street movie has been released to theaters! Yup, I’m talking about The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland. While all this attention is being thrust on it, I’d like to take a moment to talk about the “other” Sesame Street movie. I’m talking about the 1985 film Sesame Street Presents Follow That Bird. Now that I think about it, the plot is kind of dark for Sesame Street. In it, a social worker decides that Big Bird might be happier with “his own kind,” so she takes Big Bird away from Sesame Street and puts him in a foster home. Big Bird doesn’t like the foster home that much, so he goes on a cross-country odyssey to get back to Sesame Street. And, of course, the whole cast of Sesame Street regulars goes off in search of Big Bird. This was 1985, so in the Sesame Street Universe there was no Elmo yet, and everyone still thought that Mr. Snuffleupagus was just Big Bird’s imaginary friend. It’s not too bad. I remember seeing it in the theater when I was 8 years old. It was so cool when I was 8! And the soundtrack wasn’t too bad, either. This was the first film where I learned that sometimes it’s worthwhile to watch a film all the way to the end of the end credits. I was hoping that with the release of The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland that Follow That Bird would get a big re-release on video and DVD. But, it hasn’t. But who knows what the future may hold. . . . If you ever happen to see it in the video store, rent it and be 8 again.

It just so happened that this was on the Family Channel this afternoon, so I watched it. And, right after it, they showed The Muppet Movie. That is one of the coolest movies ever! And, it hast to be one of my favorite soundtracks. Kermit’s song in that movie, The Rainbow Connection, is one of my favorite songs of all time, right after Always Look On The Bright Side of Life by Monty Python, and UHF by “Weird Al” Yankovic. And the celebrities in that film! I don’t know if it’s just me, or a testament to those celebrities, but I could pretty much identify all of them! It just rocks. I keep reading online that there is this script in development called The Next Muppet Movie, which would be a direct sequel to The Muppet Movie. In it, all the Muppets have become rich and famous and have begun selling out, so Kermit tries to get them back to their roots. Apparently, one of the funniest segments has Gonzo being selected to be the next James Bond! I sure hope it gets made.

Speaking of movies, I got this brilliant idea the other day. You know how IMAX movies can only be 45 minutes long, right? It’s because the reels are so big. So, I got to thinking that the IMAX (and 3-D IMAX) format would be the perfect one to resurrect the old movie serial! You could have 5, 45-minute long chapters. The first one would premiere in April, and the last in August with a new one each month. You’d have the whole summer blockbuster season wrapped up! I’m currently leaning towards some kind of sci-fi epic. I think this is an idea that would rock if given its due.

Do you know what I find frustrating right now? The fact that I have begun writing these columns so far in advance. Tomorrow, Oct. 4, I post one called . . .And Get A Real Job, which I wrote three weeks ago. This letter, when I post it as a column, will be posted on Oct. 18. The one I post on Oct. 25 will probably be about my sister’s birthday, which is this Friday, Oct. 8. Do you think I’m getting ahead of myself? Man, maybe I do need a job. Then I can slow down on these columns! Oh, well, this is getting kind of long and it’s getting kind of late, so I’ll see you later!

Mark

I hate it when I get this way. Occasionally, something will happen to me in my life where, for the next few days, it will make me all moody and introspective. I begin to analyze my short life in minute detail, and begin to ask myself “What is the purpose?” “Why am I doing this?” “Is this all I’m destined to be?” I hate it when I get this way, because I become so unpleasant to be around. But what’s always weird is what sets off this mood. It’s always the littlest of things. This time, what set it off was watching the 25^th anniversary special of Saturday Night Live.

I know what you’re thinking: “How could watching something so funny set off this unpleasantness?” I’ve been wondering that myself. At first, I thought it was because they said Conan O’Brian was going to be one of the presenters, but as the show drew to a close, he wasn’t on stage once. That depressed me. Then I started thinking “Wow. This show has been on for 25 years! That’s amazing! What an achievement! Wouldn’t it be cool if I were able to do something that lasts for 25 years and shapes society, like Saturday Night Live has?” And that’s what set it off. That question, in which I began wondering if I had done anything that would still be remembered in 25 years. I mean, I’m only 22, so if I wanted to do something that would still be remembered in 25 years, I should have gotten it in motion when I was -3 years old. But I didn’t. And now, here I am. I haven’t started anything big, grand, or world changing to be remembered for years to come. I’ve done nothing with my life!

But then, I started cheering up. I thought “Hey! I’m only 22! Lorne Michaels was 30 when he came up with Saturday Night Live. I’ve got eight years still!” So then I start thinking what am I doing right now to change things? What am I doing now that will still be remembered in 25 years? And I’m doing. . .nothing. No one is going to remember me in 25 years! I’m probably going to still be stuck in my parents basement, watching TV and writing this silly column! I’M GOING NOWHERE! I’m stuck here! My life has become a swirling void of nothingness!

Let’s elaborate on the nothingness for a while. I knew that my life had become this void just the other day. There was nothing much on TV, but soon I found something that caught my eye. I must admit I found the program quite engrossing. It had action, drama, comedy, it was perfect! Yup. You guessed it. I was watching. . .wrestling. The WWF to be specific. Now, I know that there is nothing wrong with watching wrestling. In fact, my grandfather watches it. And because he watches it, I’ve always seen it as being a program for old men. So, just I was getting into it, I started thinking “Oh my god. I’m a young, virile 22 year old, but I’m acting like an old man. Why? My life isn’t over! I must find something else to watch!” Luckily, it was time for Pokemon. I’ve got to stop watching that show, too. I’m starting to see homosexual sub-text between Ash and Pikachu. God, my life has gone nowhere fast.

This didn’t help when I was watching my Star Trek reruns this morning. The episode was “Tapestry.” Remember that one? It’s where Capt. Picard has a near-death experience, and meets Q in the afterlife, and Q sends him back in time to when Picard was a fresh-faced young ensign, and gave Picard the chance to change the future and avoid his death. It is one of the best episodes of The Next Generation. But it’s good for getting a person thinking. “Gee. What could I have done differently in my childhood to change where I am now?” And you know what? I could probably do squat! There was nothing wrong with my childhood! But the episode did teach me one thing: we’ve got to take chances.

See, Picard changes the future, but finds that his life is changed. Instead of being a captain, he’s a lowly Lieutenant (J.G.). In his alternate life, he became a person who played it safe, and never took chances. And that kept him from becoming a captain. So, maybe I’ve never taken enough chances in my life. Maybe that’s why I’m unemployed. It’s scary out there, and I don’t want to take any chances. But, I have to if I don’t want to be broke and living in my parents’ basement. It’s starting to set in right now. I miss the freedom of being on my own. I miss having my own phone line. But when I do move out, I’m going to miss cable. But, I have friends, who’ll tape me my shows until I save up enough money to get one of these little satellite dishes! And who knows? Cable’s not that much. All I really need is basic. I think. We’ll see. I have to get my own place, call whomever the local cable company is, and find out which channels are in the basic package! But I need to take a chance. I’ve got to start putting myself out there, looking for something. I’ve already set the goal for myself that I want to have a job by Halloween. So, I’ve really got to knuckle down and start looking.

I can see it now: I get some little job somewhere, and my own little place. I spend my days working and my evenings writing my novel. When the novel is published, I get a huge advance on my second novel, so I quit my job and become a full-time novelist! A few years go by, and I begin to get fed up at how the Hollywood system is screwing up the movie versions of my books. So, I become a film-maker, so I can do my books justice on the big screen. I quickly become the toast of Hollywood, and I am soon asked to be a guest host on Saturday Night Live. Isn’t nice how these things come full circle?

I can feel myself cheering up as I write this! Things aren’t as bad as they seems. I’ve still got a lot of life in front of me. I can still do great things. We are all capable of great things, or at least that’s what I’ve been lead to believe. We just have to take a chance. Will I be taking a chance in the next few weeks? I hope so. Will I be employed by Halloween? I think I will be. Will I do something that will shape society and change the world? Well, for an answer to that one, I’ll see you in 25 years.

So, September is upon us. And, unlike so many summers past, I am not returning to school. Nope, I am now a university graduate, with B.SC.’s in Math and Physics. It is now up to me to get a job and join the rat race! But, this is my only problem. I don’t want a job. I’m just having too much fun laying on the couch, watching cartoons, and writing this column. But, I’m fully aware that this society frowns upon welfare bums, so I guess I’d better start finding a job soon.

I’ve fully established what the only thing keeping me from getting a job is. See, the average person’s life plan goes something like this:

School -> Lifetime at job that is only marginally liked in order to get by -> Retirement

But, this is my life plan:

School -> Retirement

I’m missing that all important middle step. And I’m starting to find out that not having a job means you get miss out on certain things in life. Like a DVD player. Or a car. Or a new computer. Or the Batman Beyond soundtrack. Or a relatively debt-free existence. So, like so many people before me, it is time to sell out my values and get a job. But what kind of job?

I had this teacher in junior high who once said that before you know who you are, you have to find out what you are not. I’m still trying to figure out if those truly are words of wisdom or rhetorical nonsense. But, let’s say for the moment that those were words of wisdom. I have spent pretty much a whole summer figuring out what I am not. So, here’s the list. I am not. . .

A teacher – Many people have told me in the past that I would be pretty good at this, but I am not so sure. The fact is, I just don’t have the patience for it. Sure, I can give out 10 minutes worth of advice to point someone in the right direction. But if I were doing it all day, I know that around lunchtime I would be screaming “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!! IT’S SO SIMPLE!!” So, no to this.

A police officer – I flirted with this idea when I was close to graduating from high school, but too many people told me that I didn’t fit their idea of a cop. So, no to this.

A leader – In elementary school, I was made captain of the school patrol, and I turned into a little dictator. In college, I was leading a protest campaign against a highly unpopular choice for Students’ Union President, but I caved under the pressure. I could probably do this, but I need a hell of a lot more practice.

A soldier – Come on, face it! I wouldn’t survive boot camp.

A burger-flipper – I didn’t go through university to say “Would you like fries with that?” I don’t care how many careers were started at McDonald’s, this just isn’t me.

A laborer in a gravel pit – I did this for a summer 2 years ago, and hated every minute of it. I was getting a few offers to go back to it, and I was so close to doing so. But, I couldn’t. I just don’t like it that much.

Well, that’s pretty much what I am not. So then, what am I? A question many a person has asked as they looked up at the stars. Well, I am still not to sure as to what I am, but I do know what kind of jobs I wouldn’t mind having. Here’s a list of them:

A letter carrier – You know, a mail man. It just a certain simplicity that appeals to me.

A DJ – I did host the #1 radio show at Augustana University College for 3 years. Many people have told me I had a knack for it. My only problem with going pro is being faced with “selling out,” something I am not to eager to do.

An engineer – Not a guy who builds bridges, but a guy who drives trains. I’ve always liked traveling, and this job has more of an allure than truck driver. It’s something I’ve been infatuated with since childhood, so it would be neat to see one of my childhood dreams come true.

A park ranger – I’ve always liked the outdoors, and this is not as intense as a law enforcement officer. I might be able to pull off doing this a little easier than being a cop.

A politician – Oh, come on. How many politicians are leaders?

A video store clerk – What can I say? I love movies and this has a little more appeal than flipping burgers.

A movie theater projectionist – Why settle for being a clerk in a video store when I could do something similar on a grander scale? Who knows? Theater managers might be impressed with my Physics degree and say “Hey! If this thing breaks down, he can fix it!” Plus, I get to watch movies all night. I like it.

A film-maker – See a trend developing? Why just watch movies when I could be making them? Besides, I’ve got tons of ideas circling around in my head. And who hasn’t dreamed of seeing their name up there on the silver screen? All my idols are film-makers. Dare the dream!

This next one is the one that has suddenly gotten a certain degree of appeal for me:

A writer – I am really starting to like doing my silly little columns. All summer, I’ve been toying with writing a book. Enough people are telling me that I’m good enough. All those ideas I have for movie could easily be turned into novels, and I wouldn’t be faced with budget constraints. I could travel, too! Get myself a laptop, and one day I could be writing from beneath the Eiffel Tower in Paris, and then Central Park in New York City, and then at the world’s first McDonald’s in Los Angeles!

Well, then. My course is clear. If I got the job at the video store, that would probably be enough to keep me alive, and get enough time to write. I know I just can’t jump into this. Sure, I could write a book, but then I would probably have to spend years trying to get it published. I would have to learn the definitions to terms like “unsolicited manuscript.” But, no matter what comes in the future, I know it means having to get a job of some sort. So, I’ll keep spreading around the resumes, and keeping my fingers crossed!

Greetings, y’all! It’s just been so long that I started a column with that phrase, so I thought I’d do it with this one. In fact, it has been so long since I’ve done a 100% goofy column. So, here we go with the goofiness! This is going to be one of those Seinfeld-ish columns. You know, where I rant and rave about the absurdities of everyday life. Are you pumped? Are you primed? Here we go!

I went for a haircut the other day. It annoys my sister when it comes to the frequency of my haircuts. I tend to get them seasonally. My last one was in May, and that did me for summer. Now, it’s September, and it’s time to get one for fall. My next will probably be in December, to get me through the winter. But anyway, it was September, so needed one for Autumn. That means it was off to the local barber shop, the Final Touch!

In my first days of college, I’d always time my haircuts for the weekends I’d come home, simply because I like being able to hop into the barber chair and say “Give me the usual!” I’m just one of those people who resists change, especially when it comes to my hair. I’ve been saying for the last two years that I’m going to shave my head to see how it looks, but I never do, because I resist changes to my hair. For the last month, I’ve been saying that this would be the one where I shave my head! But, it didn’t happen. My sister says it’s because I’m chicken, but I say it’s because I resist change. But I digress. I got to the barber shop, and it was time for a clipping!

As always, the lady who was clipping my hair (I never ask for anyone specific) asked if I needed a wash. And, as always, I said “Sure. What the hey?” So, over to those fancy sinks. I got in the chair, leaned my head back, and the lady went to it! Call me a pervert, but I’ve always found something mildly arousing about someone else washing my hair. I just said too much, didn’t I? Forget I said that, if it hasn’t already been burned into your brain. Anyway, as I was getting my hair washed, she leaned over to get something, and ended up shoving her armpit right into my nose. That’s when it donned on me: hairdresser is probably a profession where you need really good deodorant. I mean, you’re shoving your armpit into other people’s noses, for crying out loud! Yup, good deodorant is a must. After this, it was off to the chair for the usual!

I always get a twinge of fear when I get a haircut. The person doing it always tells me to remove my glasses. When I get a haircut, I’m always flying blind. I have to have complete faith in the barber, for I can’t yell out “Hey! Watch it!” I have no idea what’s going on. You want to know how I feel? Next time you get a haircut, tell the barber how you want it done, and then close your eyes until they say “All done!” I dare you. I bet you you won’t be able to handle it. And I go through that every time. But, this time was a lot scarier.

Problem with getting a haircut in a small town is that people tend to drag their little kids with them wherever they go. The barber shop isn’t any different. Today, their happened to be a 3-year old and a 2-year old there. And, in true little kid fashion, they were running around screaming and playing with noisy toys. That would be OK, but the lady I got was jumpy. Really jumpy. And that’s not the kind of person you want handling a pair of scissors around your ears. I was blind at the time, so I had no idea as to weather this would result in a good haircut, or a bad haircut. The last thing I wanted was to go through the next four months with a bad haircut. As always, I had to leave my faith with the person with the scissors. And pray that it comes out good.

In that chair, my mind starts to wander. First of all, I don’t like how my reflection looks when it’s all blurry. It looks skull-like, which tends to freak me out. Then I start looking at all the other stuff on that barber counter. There’s that blue stuff that the combs are always soaking in. I wonder what it tastes like? I wonder who’d be stupid enough to drink it. Then, there are all sorts of scissors. Why do there have to be so many scissors? I mean, you’re just cutting hair. It’s not like you have to switch from wire cutters to sheet metal scissors. It’s just hair! Then, all those electric gizmos. Since I don’t get my hair done, I tend to wonder what each one’s purpose is. What does that clip? What does that dry? Does that induce growth? The mind boggles. But, back to the task at hand: a jumpy person clipping my hair.

For some reason, I never converse much with the person cutting my hair. Perhaps it’s just my quite nature. I don’t know why, perhaps its just that I’m never too good around new people. A hold over from infant-hood, I guess. I’ll probably get over it as I grow up. I always wonder if I should try to stimulate a conversation. You know, just say something like “So, lovely weather we’re having!” or “See any good movies lately?” When getting a haircut, who’s responsibility is it to stimulate conversation? Someone should write these rules down somewhere. The Handbook to Society. It’d probably be a bestseller. But again, I digress. Around this time, the cut was being completed!

The moment of truth: “Put your glasses back on,” she said. I donned my spectacles and looked into the mirror. It looked not half-bad. As always, I turned my head from side to side, checking out the profile shots. Not bad at all. “It’s good!” I said to her. She took that cape-thing off and it was time to go! As always, I was charged $10. I always think that it’s a rip-off. I mean, for $10, I could get a soup bowl and do it myself at home. But, I was happy. Good for another season! And, from here, it was time to go home.

The only time I don’t like wearing a hat is right after I get a haircut. I like to show it off a bit before covering it up. I get home. First person I see is my sister. She took one look and said “I knew you wouldn’t have the guts to get it shaved.” Yup, she knows me all to well. I’ve got to get a job so I can find my own place. If only to put some distance between myself and her.

And that’s it! My Seinfeldian adventure, getting a haircut! Yes, it was a slow week for me. But, just keep reading. Things are bound to get more exciting eventually. I promise. Goodnight, everybody!

Well, I’ve been home for 24 hours now. “What?” you are asking yourself. “Were you gone?” Yup, I was. It was an eventful five days for me, in which I returned to my former haunt. Was it to visit old friends? Or search for things lost? Who really cares. It got me out of the basement for a few days. It all started on a sunny Saturday afternoon. . . .

My mother was taking me into Edmonton. I was going to meet up with one of my old buddies from the Camrose area, and I was going to head down for a few days and just chill. As always, I was going to meet them at Comic King, the only comic store in West Edmonton Mall. As always, I was early (even though my watch said I was five minutes late). So, I browsed through the comic books. I browsed through the neighboring stores. I browsed through the mall-within-the-mall. (Yes, to the uninitiated, West Edmonton Mall is so big it contains a smaller mall, called the Galaxyland Marketplace). By now, I was a good twenty minutes late, so that meant my friend was going to be there. I returned to Comic King and yup, he was there. Oh, and let me say this: I’m changing names to protect the innocent (although innocent is such a relative term).

There was my friend, whom we’ll call Chuck. Chuck had brought his best friend and landlord, whom we’ll call BigGuy, and his girlfriend, whom we’ll call Didi. They were browsing through the comics, acting like they had been waiting for a long time. I walked up to them and we all hugged in that way that we do. Pleasantries were exchanged, and it wasn’t long until we were back to browsing through the comic books. I decided to head over to the action figures. Oh, if only I had more money! Thanks to the surge in action figure collecting, comic book stores are starting to get a lot of exclusive stuff. Man, I want one of those new Lara Croft figures! Anyway, when you are in a comic book store with three comic-loving geeks, you tend to be there for a while. But, soon everyone had bought the latest X-Men and it was time to move on. Now, we hit the mall! I wish I had grown up in a city. I would have been a perfect mallrat.

First, to HMV. Much to my disappointment, they still did not have the Batman Beyond soundtrack. I must get that! And I did what I always do when I’m in HMV: drool over the DVD titles and wish for more money. I did get the single for Look At Me by Geri Halliwell. That song sure grew on me over the summer. From here, it was the quest for beads. Seems that Didi (the only one of us still in university) needed beads for some group she was in. So we searched for beads. We eventually found a store that sold them after the bead store didn’t have what she was looking for. Since we were all a bunch of movie-loving geeks, we decided to see a movie. Three theaters in West Edmonton Mall. Theater one: “Oh, I’ve already seen that and it sucks.” “Is that all? Not really much there.” Theater two: “Universal Soldier 2? That can wait until video.” Theater three: “Am I the only one who wants to see Wild Wild West?” “YES!!” So, we didn’t see a movie. Time to pile into the car and go home! But, we couldn’t. Didi still needed more beads, and knew of a better bead store on Edmonton’s world-famous Whyte Avenue. (Oh, but I can’t forget to mention that one of the highlights of the WestEd trip was getting mauled by an old friend, who just happens to work there now.)

Well, sadly, we got to Whyte Avenue too late, and the bead store was closed. But, Didi needed string to put the beads on, and she could think of nothing better than hemp twine. So, it was off to the nothing-but-hemp-products store, which just happens to be Edmonton’s #1 supporter of the legalization of marijuana. This is not the place for my views on the legalization of marijuana, but let’s just say I was a little on edge the whole time I was there. That, and the store smelled funny. The whole time I was there I just kept wanting fresh air. But, not wanting to offend my friends, I kept my mouth shut and browsed. I’m sure I looked like some kind of narc. But hey, that’s me. We soon left, but that store seemed to have given Chuck the munchies, and we went by IGA, where he treated everyone to doughnuts. And I just couldn’t turn down a good ol’ chocolate covered boston cream. From here, I finally got to go to a place I’ve been told about my whole life.

I’ve already mentioned that we are a group of comic book geeks, and Warp One Comics was just a hop, skip and a jump away. For the uninitiated, Warp One Comics is the largest comic book store in the City of Edmonton. They even have a section devoted to anime, and that goes under the name of Anime 1/2. I entered the door, and gazed upon the promised land. Vintage movie posters. Incredibly cool and rare action figures. Collectors cards. Anime 1/2. T-shirts. Life sized cut-outs of Princess Leia in the Gold Bikini and Seven of Nine. And comic books. Lots of comic books. Heaven! I immediatly started flipping through the movie posters. Soon, the clerk was handing me a paper towel and saying “Forgive me for being anal.” Turns out my hands were still covered in chocolate from the donuts. I thanked the man and cleaned my hands. Fortunatly, none got on the posters. I ventured further into the store. Chuck desperately wanted to see my reaction to the life-sized Princess Leia in the Gold Bikini, to see my reaction. I was a little underwhelmed, as I already have the action figure, which has the bonus of being in 3-D. I drooled over the book Batman Animated. The complete guide to the Batman cartoon, featuring some of the show’s best artwork. I ventured upstairs, where I met more action figures than I could shake a stick at. I peered into Anime 1/2, where I was greeted with all manner of mechs and pokemon. Sheer bliss. BigGuy was over in the collectors cards, where he was picking up a deck of Pokemon cards. Didi ventured into the underground comics section. Chuck was looking through back issues of X-Men. And I was wishing I had more money. I told BigGuy that I could drown of coolness in here. So happy. When we finally left, I vowed to return one day with a fistful of dollars. So many cool things. And now, the drive to Kingman!

See, Chuck and BigGuy live just outside of Camrose in the tiny town of Kingman. The drive was uneventful. We got there, and promptly figured out how to spend the evening. BigGuy and I started playing the new video game he got, called Deer Avenger. You are a deer, hunting hunters. It rocked. Chuck and Didi did whatever it was that boyfriend and girlfriend do. It was a slow evening. It ended the way all my Saturdays end: watching Saturday Night Live. A classic show! And then, it was to bed, where I learned that Chuck has quite a comfy sofa.

Sunday was quite uneventful. See, I hate hanging out with a person and their lover. They spend all their time getting all kissy-face, and you are left to amuse yourself. You know, you have to wonder what they were doing when it results in her sleeping until 3pm. I’m sure Chuck would have slept until 3 too, but he comes from a good church-going family, and had to go to church at 11am. So, most of the day was just me and BigGuy. We watched John Carpenter’s Vampires and Kull the Conquerer, two examples of classic cinema. That evening, we fired up the N64, and played countless hours of Star Wars Rouge Squadron, Super Smash Bros., and GoldenEye. Soon, BigGuy was in bed (he’s one of those early-to-bed, early-to-rise kinds of people) and Chuck had to take Didi back to campus. I amused myself with Chuck’s vast collection of old Jem cartoons. That is one classic show from the 80’s. I soon got tired of waiting for Chuck and went to bed.

Monday morning, I discovered BigGuy’s dark secret: he gets up at 6:30 am not because he has to go to work, but because that’s when Rocky and Bullwinkle is on. In reality, he doesn’t have to be out the door until 8. I should know. Even though I was sleeping on the couch, he would come into the living room, and crank up the volume on the TV as he made himself breakfast. Most of the time, I would fall back asleep after 10 minutes. Then, I would crawl off the couch at a more reasonable hour, like 10 am, get my morning glass of milk, and watch TV until Chuck woke up.

When Chuck got up around 11, he said that this was like day one. Now that BigGuy and Didi were gone, it was just him and me, like we were planning from the beginning. So, what were we to do? Well, first order of business was food. It was almost lunch time. As I said to Chuck, one of the great things about living on your own was that if you wanted to, you could have cookies for lunch! So, we had cookies for lunch. And I have never had a more satisfying meal. Then, more N64. About this time, Chuck thought it was time to show me the thriving population of Kingman! Population: 75 (if I remember correctly). What a quaint little town. A little anecdote with every stop. I was shown the gravel pad that used to be Chuck’s school. The field that was the home to many schoolyard games. The house with a gargoyle on it. The town’s two churches. The skating rink, where we just had to do a lap walking around the tops of the boards. The post office. Yup, Kingman is a nice little town. With nice people. Almost like the town of Springfield in the G.I. Joe comics. And we all know the dark secret of Springfield. But I’m sure Kingman has no dark secret. Positive.

So, we spent the afternoon talking, playing on the computer, and just plain screwing around. Then, as the supper hour was drawing near, I finally spoke up and said what I wanted to do: I wanted to head on down to Camrose and say hi to some people. So, we did. Got there just as the cafeteria opened, and I ran into everyone I wanted to see as they were heading off to the cafeteria. The (remaining) gang hasn’t changed a bit. As I dined with them in the cafeteria, it was just like old times. Same old conversations. Same old meals. I was home.

It was during this meal that I was approached by this year’s radio station manager. Seems that he wants to have a top DJ award at the station, and wanted to name it after me. Of course, I said yes. I was honored! I was touched! Then, reality set in. No matter how many good things a station manager does, none of them carry on to the next year. So, I’m sure that this award will no longer be given out after April 2000. But, for the time being, I congratulate all future winners of the Scarecrow Top DJ Award!

Now it was time to do some good old fashioned hanging out. Chuck wanted to go hang out with Didi, so it was just me and the old gang! And, as always, we ended up in a floor lounge, watching TV. You know, those great buddy shows of Friends and Frasier. When 8 rolled around, it was time for a good old fashioned Sev-Run! This is the Augustana slang term for “7-11 Run.” The tradition is you gather a good size of your friends (4 tends to be the average), and head on down to 7-11, for a Slurpee and some other form of sweet treat. If you are doing an assignment or studying for a test, then the Slurpee is usually replaced with a bottle of Jolt Cola. And I missed the Sev-Run! Sure, it sounds like a simple act, but the comraderie! The sharing of tasteless jokes and anecdotes about professors! And, there is nothing like a Slurpee. Ah, yes. I miss it. I just miss too much of it.

Then, an evening of more hanging out! One of my buddies had the brand new game Star Trek: Starfleet Command that he wanted to show me. Great game! Then, someone had to take some movies back to the video store, meaning a nice, hour long walk. Like the Sev-Run, only longer. We got back to the dorm just in time for Ally McBeal. I am the only one in my gang who enjoys that show, and no matter how many times I try to inaugurate them to it, they just don’t get it. As the show came to a close, Chuck came by, and it was time to go back to his place. So, I said my good-byes, and promised to come back down when my friend with the DVD player gets The Matrix. And it was back to Chuck’s place. On the drive back to Chuck’s place (and into the wee hours of the morning) we had one of those deep, meaningful conversations about life, love, fears, and the like. You know. One of those conversations. Good stuff.

Next morning. This would be Tuesday for those of you keeping track. It was getting to the time where Chuck and I were running out of things to do. So, we played video games, read comic books, and began working on our magazine. Yes, we got this idea to do our own magazine! It’s going to be called Toonage, and be all about the world of animation! Even though we are all at our respective homes now, we are still planning it. If it takes off, we’d be set for life. So, wish us luck! That was the day. For the evening, it was back to Augustana. We wanted to catch the first meeting of the Anime Club, and just watch some cool anime. And there I picked up another task for myself. Seems one of the new members has put in a request for Beast Wars the Second, the Beast Wars anime. Of course, they came to me, the resident TransFan of the gang. I said I had no idea how to get my hands on it, but I’d keep my eyes open. And my eyes, they are open. But, when we were done with the anime, I did something I wanted to do: head on up to the radio station and check out my old haunt! There weren’t many changes. A new CD player. One that can hold 20 CD’s, so we no longer have to re-broadcast another radio station! There were two freshman DJ’s up there, and they both had a lot of attitude. The usual “We’re gonna change this station! We’re gonna be famous!” attitude that DJ’s tend to have in the early months. If the trend holds, they’ll be bored with it come December. And then there was that one: “Gimme your name so I can report you!” He needs to work on his people skills. But, they were having fun up there, and that should always be the #1 mandate of the station!

Then, I just wandered around campus a little more. Very little has changed. I hope they never remove my bench under the tree. That is just a perfect bench. Soon I met up with Chuck, and it was time to go. After he spent 20 minutes saying good-bye to Didi, that is. I was feeling hungry, so we stopped by McDonald’s on the way out of town. I just had a craving for a McChicken Sandwich. And, back to Kingman!

Wednesday, and time to go home. Chuck and I headed off to the city, where I was to meet up with Mom. But, first I was going to drag Chuck to see The Iron Giant. It seems I always have to drag Chuck to good movies. It’s the only way I got him to see Blade. But, he agreed with me in that The Iron Giant is one of the best animated movies ever, so go see it! Then, just more chilling at the mall until my Mom showed up. Chuck and I hugged each other good-bye, and then it was off to home for me!

And that concluded my return to Camrose! So, can you go home again? I’m still not sure. Part of me thinks I haven’t really left yet. But, for the time being, it is yes. And now, my hopes are renewed that soon I will get out this basement, and be free once again! But sadly, freedom now means getting a job. But, free I will be again! Someday. . . .