Greetings, y’all! It’s just been so long that I started a column with that phrase, so I thought I’d do it with this one. In fact, it has been so long since I’ve done a 100% goofy column. So, here we go with the goofiness! This is going to be one of those Seinfeld-ish columns. You know, where I rant and rave about the absurdities of everyday life. Are you pumped? Are you primed? Here we go!
I went for a haircut the other day. It annoys my sister when it comes to the frequency of my haircuts. I tend to get them seasonally. My last one was in May, and that did me for summer. Now, it’s September, and it’s time to get one for fall. My next will probably be in December, to get me through the winter. But anyway, it was September, so needed one for Autumn. That means it was off to the local barber shop, the Final Touch!
In my first days of college, I’d always time my haircuts for the weekends I’d come home, simply because I like being able to hop into the barber chair and say “Give me the usual!” I’m just one of those people who resists change, especially when it comes to my hair. I’ve been saying for the last two years that I’m going to shave my head to see how it looks, but I never do, because I resist changes to my hair. For the last month, I’ve been saying that this would be the one where I shave my head! But, it didn’t happen. My sister says it’s because I’m chicken, but I say it’s because I resist change. But I digress. I got to the barber shop, and it was time for a clipping!
As always, the lady who was clipping my hair (I never ask for anyone specific) asked if I needed a wash. And, as always, I said “Sure. What the hey?” So, over to those fancy sinks. I got in the chair, leaned my head back, and the lady went to it! Call me a pervert, but I’ve always found something mildly arousing about someone else washing my hair. I just said too much, didn’t I? Forget I said that, if it hasn’t already been burned into your brain. Anyway, as I was getting my hair washed, she leaned over to get something, and ended up shoving her armpit right into my nose. That’s when it donned on me: hairdresser is probably a profession where you need really good deodorant. I mean, you’re shoving your armpit into other people’s noses, for crying out loud! Yup, good deodorant is a must. After this, it was off to the chair for the usual!
I always get a twinge of fear when I get a haircut. The person doing it always tells me to remove my glasses. When I get a haircut, I’m always flying blind. I have to have complete faith in the barber, for I can’t yell out “Hey! Watch it!” I have no idea what’s going on. You want to know how I feel? Next time you get a haircut, tell the barber how you want it done, and then close your eyes until they say “All done!” I dare you. I bet you you won’t be able to handle it. And I go through that every time. But, this time was a lot scarier.
Problem with getting a haircut in a small town is that people tend to drag their little kids with them wherever they go. The barber shop isn’t any different. Today, their happened to be a 3-year old and a 2-year old there. And, in true little kid fashion, they were running around screaming and playing with noisy toys. That would be OK, but the lady I got was jumpy. Really jumpy. And that’s not the kind of person you want handling a pair of scissors around your ears. I was blind at the time, so I had no idea as to weather this would result in a good haircut, or a bad haircut. The last thing I wanted was to go through the next four months with a bad haircut. As always, I had to leave my faith with the person with the scissors. And pray that it comes out good.
In that chair, my mind starts to wander. First of all, I don’t like how my reflection looks when it’s all blurry. It looks skull-like, which tends to freak me out. Then I start looking at all the other stuff on that barber counter. There’s that blue stuff that the combs are always soaking in. I wonder what it tastes like? I wonder who’d be stupid enough to drink it. Then, there are all sorts of scissors. Why do there have to be so many scissors? I mean, you’re just cutting hair. It’s not like you have to switch from wire cutters to sheet metal scissors. It’s just hair! Then, all those electric gizmos. Since I don’t get my hair done, I tend to wonder what each one’s purpose is. What does that clip? What does that dry? Does that induce growth? The mind boggles. But, back to the task at hand: a jumpy person clipping my hair.
For some reason, I never converse much with the person cutting my hair. Perhaps it’s just my quite nature. I don’t know why, perhaps its just that I’m never too good around new people. A hold over from infant-hood, I guess. I’ll probably get over it as I grow up. I always wonder if I should try to stimulate a conversation. You know, just say something like “So, lovely weather we’re having!” or “See any good movies lately?” When getting a haircut, who’s responsibility is it to stimulate conversation? Someone should write these rules down somewhere. The Handbook to Society. It’d probably be a bestseller. But again, I digress. Around this time, the cut was being completed!
The moment of truth: “Put your glasses back on,” she said. I donned my spectacles and looked into the mirror. It looked not half-bad. As always, I turned my head from side to side, checking out the profile shots. Not bad at all. “It’s good!” I said to her. She took that cape-thing off and it was time to go! As always, I was charged $10. I always think that it’s a rip-off. I mean, for $10, I could get a soup bowl and do it myself at home. But, I was happy. Good for another season! And, from here, it was time to go home.
The only time I don’t like wearing a hat is right after I get a haircut. I like to show it off a bit before covering it up. I get home. First person I see is my sister. She took one look and said “I knew you wouldn’t have the guts to get it shaved.” Yup, she knows me all to well. I’ve got to get a job so I can find my own place. If only to put some distance between myself and her.
And that’s it! My Seinfeldian adventure, getting a haircut! Yes, it was a slow week for me. But, just keep reading. Things are bound to get more exciting eventually. I promise. Goodnight, everybody!