Never Take a Shit While Stoned
In the interview with Kevin Smith in that morning’s paper, and even on the Evening with Kevin Smith DVD, Smith mentioned that one question he’s always asked in these shows that he’s getting really sick of being asked is, “Wanna go get high after the show?” And, lo and behold, he was asked. The guy who asked was booed with angry shouts of, “Don’t ask questions that he answers on the DVD!” But, you know, Smith politely declined, and then launched into a long, meandering tale of the last time he got not just high, but stoned out of his fucking mind.
How it began was that he had some friends visiting, and they left behind some joints for him and his wife to enjoy. That night, he and his wife decided to have a little fun. Smith wound up smoking two whole joints himself, and his wife similarly. Needless to say, reality got a little distorted.
First, they were hit with a major case of the munchies. Apparently, in LA, there’s this company called Yummies. They sell your favourite kinds of junk food – Doritos, Cheezies, and the like – and they deliver. So they called up Yummies, started going through the catalogue, and wound up ordering one of every thing. In the end, they spent about $600 on junk food.
While they were waiting for the delivery to arrive, he and his wife decided to watch a movie. They chose The English Patient. As the film was beginning, Smith felt that he needed to go do a #2. But, because of his intoxicated state, he wasn’t sure if he really needed to go or not. He decided to play it safe and headed off to the bathroom.
What followed…well, let’s just hope that the tale ends up on An Evening With Kevin Smith 2. He described what it feels like to take a shit while stoned our of your gourd. He described his anus opening up. “You know those time-lapse photographs of a flower blooming? It felt like that.” He described the unusual sensation of the shit just kind of flowing out of him. “It was like I had all this shit inside of me for all these years, and it was choosing just to come out now.” He described the act of wiping after this experience. “It’s almost like I put my whole hand inside and started scrubbing the sides of my colon.” And then, he turned around, expecting to see the toilet overflowing with shit, but instead, he made a circle with his thumb and index finger. “There was a shit nugget this big.”
The whole act also messed with his perception of time. It felt like a few minutes to him, but he got back to the bedroom just in time to see the end credits of the 2.5 hour film The English Patient. And then, the doorbell rang.
It was the delivery boy from Yummies. They had forgotten. And now, Smith had to go pay the delivery boy. He went down there, opened the door for the delivery boy, and he attempted to help the delivery boy bring in two bags. Once those were in, the delivery boy said, “OK, I’m going to head back outside and bring in the rest.” In the end, there were about 6 full-to-the-top shopping bags full of junk food. And Smith said, “Take them upstairs to my wife.” Smith just kind of sat down in the kitchen, looked in one of the bags, found some ice cream, and started eating.
Once the delivery boy left, Smith went back upstairs to his wife. She had a very stunned look on her face. “I just had this weird dream that there was this strange guy in here.” Smith told her that that was “the Yummies guy.” Apparently, in her intoxicated state, she forgot that the store was called Yummies. She looked at Smith with a puzzled look and said, “Are you saying you wanted me to sleep with him? Because he didn’t look that yummy.”
Smith did have a moral to this story. Essentially, it was if your going to get high, do it responsibly.
The Grand Finale
The second-last person to ask a question asked Smith to sign his Clerks X DVD, which Smith did. From where I was sitting, I could see the Winspear Shock Troops waiting to remove Smith from the stage. I looked at my watch to see that it was around 5 to midnight. Smith turned to the shock troops and pleaded, “Oh, c’mon, he asked me to sign something. We can’t end on that note.”
It then descended into chaos, as people in the audience began screaming out their questions. One guy screamed above the crowd, “There’s more of us than there is of them!” Smith replied to that, “Dude! You can’t say that! That’s like Hitler walking into a bar and yelling out, ‘Ya know what’s wrong with Germany? The Jews!’” The chaos ended as laughter swept through the audience. “Now, I really can’t end on that note. ‘Long live the Fifth Reich! Good-night everybody!’”
Finally, a young man broke through the line of Winspear guards and ran up to the microphone. He blurted out what became the final question of the night.
“Do you think that the failure of Jersey Girl was God punishing you for Dogma?”
Smith was again taken aback. Like the first question, it was something he’d never thought about before. Smith finally responded, “You know, I think I’m going to rip that off for all my future shows. ‘Jersey Girl was God punishing me for Dogma.’”
He then reiterated something he’d said in countless interviews: his unwavering faith that God has a sense of humour. “Because if he doesn’t, I’m going to have a lot to answer for when I meet him! But you know, I can just see him up there in heaven.”
He then started pretending he was God. “Now, if I have this one hook up with this one…that’ll totally mess with the fat one’s movie!” Laughter erupted through the crowd, and Smith took his bows.
I’m still struggling to find the words to describe the night. Of course, I’m going to say that it was amazing, wonderful, and spectacular. I’m a fan of Kevin Smith’s; I’m naturally biased. The best way to sum up the evening would be in gauging the reaction of my friend who came with me. He only had a passing familiarity with Kevin Smith. As we were waiting for the show to begin, he mentioned that he’d seen Mallrats, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and Jersey Girl, but that was about it. But all throughout the show, he was laughing twice as hard as I was. And, when we were done and heading for the door, he thanked me for brining him, admitting that that was one of the funniest shows he’d seen in ages. Make no mistake. Kevin Smith isn’t as much a filmmaker as he is a storyteller. Whether he’s directing a film or telling a crowd of people what he thought of the world’s largest mall, he just captures your attention and draws you in. What can I say? It was amazing, wonderful, and spectacular.