Chaos in Print

I hate writing these kinds of columns. Last minute…don’t have anything prepared…but I just have this irresistible urge to throw something together. I don’t know what to write about, but I just know that I must write. Fascinating, isn’t it? Come, and together we’ll find out what I should can write about.

Besides, I should get out of the basement. I’ve been spending far too much time down here ever since we got high speed Internet. I can’t help it! I can download porn at the speed of light! And by porn I mean…bootleg MP3s. You think I would spend some of that time writing. But who can write when I have access to the greatest information of the world at my fingertips?

But I know I have to get outside. I try to spend at least a little time outside everyday. It’s not healthy to stay inside. Right now, spending some time outside takes the form of “going on patrol.” I have this route mapped out that takes me all over town. It takes me about an hour to walk it. At the very least, it gets me some sunshine, or some rain, or some high winds, depending on the weather.

And it’s while on patrol that I come with many great, profound thoughts. For example, here’s one I had tonight. As we know, one of the big summer movies on the horizon is Fantastic Four. But, early reviews already say that it sucks. Marvel movies haven’t had a great track record as of late. Blade: Trinity and Elektra have bombed with Fantastic Four expected to do the same. Some are saying that, given the phenomenal success of the Spider-Man and X-Men films, and the modest success of all their others, that this may mark the end of “Marvel hubris.” This just may be deserved. I mean, Elektra sucked.

It’s either this, or I could ponder the thoughts that my best friend is pondering. He’s become obsessed with SpongeBob SquarePants. At the root of his obsession is voice actor Tom Kenny, who does the voice of SpongeBob. See, between season 3 and season 4, Kenny altered his SpongeBob voice. This is driving my friend insane, as he tries to figure out some reason for the change. I keep expecting him to eventually come forward with some kind “Paul is dead” conspiracy theory.

For those who don’t remember…the “Paul is dead” conspiracy theory. In the late-1960s, a rumour was hatched that Paul McCartney, one of the stars of the Beatles, had been killed and replaced with an impersonator. It all started when someone said that when you played certain Beatles songs backwards, you could hear someone chanting “Paul is dead.” This then led to “clues” being dropped in song lyrics and on the album covers. Some cling to this theory to this very day, saying that the Paul McCartney who’s currently touring all over the globe is not the Paul McCartney of the early 60s.

So, yeah. I’m half-expecting my friend to start coming up with a “Tom is dead” theory and start pointing to hidden clues in SpongeBob episodes.

But then I resume my walk. I start thinking of how Entwistle can be beautified. I’ve always said that Entwistle needs some kind of roadside attraction, like the world’s largest Easter egg. And I finally hit on it!

When I was a kid, Entwistle was home to one of the last, great wooden water towers on the prairies. It was eventually torn down when I was about 7 years old. It wasn’t being used by the village water system anymore, it swayed an awful lot in the wind, and in the winter, it grew some massive, life-threatening icicles. So, for Entwistle’s roadside attraction, I think we ought to rebuild the wooden water tower. We can do it using modern building techniques.

But I don’t know. They just don’t build roadside attractions with all the pomp and circumstance that they used to. The Vegerville Easter egg was built on a hill next to a pond. Mathematicians still write papers on its geodesic design. The Glendon pyrogy, a more modern roadside attraction, is in a corner of the town playground, and starting to show its age.

Around this time, I return home and declare the city to be safe. And then, I think that I should jot down some of my brilliant thoughts, as they would make brilliant columns.

But of course, I never do.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload CAPTCHA.