A Fairy Tale

Chaos in Print

Once upon a time, there was a handsome prince named Goji. Now, Goji’s parents had been after him for some time to get out and do something with his life. After all, he couldn’t spend all his time lounging in the royal basement playing ye olde Xbox. They felt it was time to teach Goji a little responsibility. So, on Goji’s 30th birthday, he was tossed out of the castle and put in charge of the Principality of Butteros.

Now, the Principality of Butteros was in a sorry state. It had long since been infested with and nasty pest known as pocarnies. The pocarnies were a freaky little rodent about a foot long, sporting three fangs, two tails, and a single horn. Goji knew that if he was ever to make something out of Butteros, he had to do something about the pocarnies. So, he built himself a lavish palace with a huge HDTV, plugged in ye olde Xbox, and began to dwell on the problem by playing a little bit of Halo.

A few months later, Goji was still dwelling, but he was the undisputed Halo champ in the principality. One day, as he was about to finish the game, a pocarny came in and gnawed through ye olde Xbox’s power cord. Goji was distraught. “Those little pricks are going down!” he said.

Goji went to his PC and started browsing ye olde Internet. He did a quick search on pocarnies and found that pocarnies can’t stand the song of effelvences. Goji’s path was clear. He had to introduce effelvences to Butteros. But effelvences were only native to the land of Urvel. Prince Goji realized that he’d be off on an old school quest.

The next day, around 2 in the afternoon, Prince Goji climbed aboard his noble steed Bob and rode off towards Urvel. Goji had never been on a quest before, unless the video games counted, so he was starting to look forward to it. But, in his haste, he kind of forgot to pack anything. His first stop, then, was in the village of Sevlevis to pick up supplies.

Now, because he’d never been on a quest before, Goji had no idea of what he’d need. So, he went into the first store he found; an olde establishment run by a man named Mosa. Goji asked, “So, I’m off to capture a bunch of effelvences. What am I going to need?” Mosa’s eyes lit up. “I know exactly what you need!” said Mosa, “for I majored in zoology at Sevlevis University. I wrote my thesis on the habits of effelvences. You’re going to need all these things in this book.” Mosa gave Goji a book entitled The Joy of Effelvences by Mosa. Goji just shrugged and said, “Dude, you obviously know more about this kind of thing than me. How would you like to join my quest?” Once Goji’s cheque cleared, Mosa joined the quest.

They continued riding towards Urval. They rode for hours. They rode for days. They rode for weeks. Finally, Mosa said, “Admit dude, you’re lost.” Goji admitted that, yes, he had absolutely no idea were Urval was. “Well,” said Mosa,”Let’s stop at that tavern for directions.”

They stepped into the tavern and approached the barmaid. “Excuse me, but can you tells us how to get to Urval?” they inquired. The barmaid was flabbergasted. “You’re in it. Didn’t you see the big sign that said, ‘Welcome to Urval?’ You should have ridden past it three days ago.” Mosa admitted that he spent most of his time riding working on his screenplay, and Goji said that, as a prince, he didn’t need no booklearnin’. The barmaid sighed. “You must be from Butteros.”

Goji and Mosa explained their plight to Artha the barmaid, and how they were on a quest for effelvences. Artha clapped her hands with glee! “You’re in luck! Effelvences have been plaguing my bar for months now! I’ll help you hunt them down and take them back to Butteros, because I’m an adventure-starved Disney princess cliché! Please, I’ll do anything to get out of this bar!” Goji and Mosa let Artha onto their team, and they began setting traps around the bar to catch the effelvences.

According to Mosa, effelvences were attracted to the scent of red jellybeans and bagpipe music. As Artha started playing the bagpipes, Goji and Mosa danced around, sprinkling red jelly beans about the bar. As they continued with their effelvence trap, three figures sitting in the corner observed this behaviour…

JESSIE: What do you think they’re doing?

JAMES: According to The Joy of Effelvences, they’re trying to catch some effelvences.

RATSPUTIN: C’mon, guys, it’s been what, 5, 6 years, that you’ve been dragging me around. Either give me to your boss, or accept the fact that I’m not a pokémon and turn me loose.

JESSIE: Sorry, can’t do that.

JAMES: Yeah. At least not this time. We’re only here to provide an obscure in-joke.

And the three mysterious figures left.

After six hours of dancing, prancing, red jellybeans and bagpipes, the effelvences began marching into the bar. The effelvence is a unique creature. It is covered with a soft, green fur, boasts six legs, and is long and serpentine. “OK, we’ve lured them here,” said Goji. “Now what do we do?”

“We throw these bags over them,” said Mosa. They hurled the burlap sacks and rounded up a good dozen effelvences.

With their quest complete, Artha sold the bar and headed back to Butteros with Prince Goji and Mosa. They headed into the capital city of Butteros. The pocarnies had become worse than ever. They were bathing in the town fountain, turning the pristine, clear water into an obscure shade of fuscha. “This is what you get for breaking my Xbox!” proclaimed Goji, and he turned loose the effelvences. Now free from the sack, the effelvences were so overjoyed that they began singing their song. It was a sweet melody, combining the best qualities of every boy band and pop princess. Naturally, it drove the pocarnies nuts, and they left town ASAP. With the pocarny threat averted, the Principality of Butteros was saved!

“Now,” said Artha, “I can fulfil my clichéd destiny and marry the prince.”

“Not so fast,” said Goji. “First, we must continue on a new epic quest. I need a new cord for my Xbox.”

And they lived happily ever after.

There are two morals to this story. The first one is that bad comedy is like bad seafood: if you take in too much, you will die screaming on a toiled.

The second one: if you attempt to write a fairy tale in one hour, it’s going to be some fucked up shit.

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