Man, I hate when time gets away from me. It’s 11:30 PM on Sunday night, and I’ve just got no column to post. So, I’m just going to throw together something right now, real quick like, mainly because I don’t like seeing gaps in my library. Columns written under these circumstances tend to be quick, dirty, and not very good. Wow. With a set-up like that, how can you not want to read? Don’t worry, they tend to be short, too. Anyway, let’s get on with it. And I promise that next week I’ll have something nice and angst-ridden about my first week back at school

Yup, Tuesday I begin Year 2 of NAIT’s radio program. I’m still wondering if I’m making a huge mistake by doing this. Granted, I’ve been thinking that since week 2 of my first semester. Halfway through my second semester – around March or so – I actually did talk to the program head about getting out of the program. He refused to let me quit because it was so close to the end of the school year. My original plan, since he wouldn’t let me quit, was to find a good job over the summer and then just disappear off NAIT’s radar; vanish into the night. But, as you can tell, I really didn’t look for a job. Besides, I wound up winning a scholarship, so it’s like I can get year 2 paid for with a 60% discount. How can I turn down a deal like that? So, yeah. I’ll have my fun this semester, screwing around, doing the last few things I want to do on the radio, and then the whole world will finally know the truth come December, when the officials at NAIT begin scratching their heads and wondering why no one will hire me for my practicum. I’ve known since day one that I’m destined to fail in this, but when I try to convince people of that, I usually get some inspirational crap lifted from the latest edition of Chicken Soup for the Soul. Sometimes, the only way to make people see reality is to bring it crashing down around their heads. As far as I’m concerned, semester 3 marks the end of my broadcasting career.

And from there, who knows? I’d sure like to get into writing, but there’s another rejection notice I’m expecting. I applied to write for the Nugget, NAIT’s student newspaper. But, they’re doing their hiring a little differently this year. Everyone who’s applied to write for the paper had to submit a sample article to the VP of Student Affairs; the VP whose portfolio contains the newspaper. The first edition of the paper comes out on Thursday, and on that day, our VP will conduct an informal poll among the students. Whoever are the most popular writers will get hired! So, naturally, I applied to write news and submitted some boring, dry news articles. Not my best work, either. I’m certain it’s something my news instructor would give low marks to. I’ve already told my news instructor about this hiring practice, and she was like, “Oh, this sucks. You just know whoever simply reviews the bars near campus will get on.” Oh, well. The interview/official rejection is Thursday night.

Sign #2485 that I’m doomed to fail in broadcasting. Last semester, news was my best subject and announcing was my least best. News is what I least want to do and announcing is what I most want to do.

Went to West Edmonton Mall today. As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, the last remaining dolphin has been shipped out. The dolphin tank has now been replaced with a high-diving show. I’m thinking of staging a mock protest. Heading down there, calling myself a “human rights activist” and picketing for the release of the divers.

I love West Edmonton Mall because it’s so dynamic. There’s always so much changing. I remember when Zeller’s was Eaton’s, Winners was Zeller’s, and Phase IV was Woodward’s. It used to boast two HMV’s and three McDonald’s. Bourbon Street was a more faithful re-creation of the real deal, and not the watered-down restaurant row it’s become. Galaxyland was Fantasyland and Professor Wem’s Mini-golf was Pebble Beach Golf. About the only thing that’s been exactly where it always was is a sex shop called Luv n’ Stuff. No, wait. I’m pretty sure it was formerly the mall’s post office.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned! I went shopping at Wal-Mart today! I hate their corporate practices. I loathe what they stand for. And yet, my family dragged me in there today because they wanted to do some shopping. I needed a new pair of jeans and they were so cheap…. Oh, well. I feel less guilty about selling out mainly because I really, really needed new pants. Selling out is marginally not as bad if you do it for something you badly need.

I now know the next action figure I want to get for my collection: GeekMan! This fully-posable action figure of a stereotypical geek is the product of an upstart Canadian toy company called Happy Worker Toys. He comes with a PDA, a laptop, a stainless steel coffee mug, and removable glasses. They hope to create a whole line of regular Joe action figures like this. Turns out GeekMan is becoming quite the niche item and is flying off the shelves of specialty toy stores. Happy Worker’s next most-requested action figure? A female geek action figure. They’re developing it right now, and it has the working title “GrrrlGeek.” Here’s the Happy Worker Website, in case you want to learn more.

Still a might better than the porn star action figures. Yup, they actually make porn star action figures. They’re made by a company called Plastic Fantasy Toys. These action figures have no posablility whatsoever, and their big action feature is removable clothes. Don’t bother buying me one. In the words of a friend of mine, who just happens to work in a sex shop, “They’re ugly.” Here’s the Plastic Fantasy website, in case you too are curious.

Someday, I hope there’s an action figure of me. It’s one of those hallmarks of fame.

And that’s my filler column for this week. Something better next week, I promise. Well, actually, I hope.