God>> OK, I’m going to explain this once and for all. This is why there’s evil in the world.
[A train rolls by, drowning out God’s voice. All we see is God performing a series of bizarre hand gestures. The train rolls into the distance.]
Bob>> Wow. When you explain it like that, it all makes such perfect sense.

– From the short-lived cartoon God, the Devil & Bob

I’ve been called many names in my life. I’ve gone by many names in my life. But the one that always rattles me the most is “evil.” Perhaps it comes from having been raised on a steady diet of comic books, cartoons, and morality fables. Naturally, most little boys want to grow up to be Prince Charming, Superman, or Snake Eyes. Very few people want to be the Evil Sorcerer, Lex Luthor, or Cobra Commander. With these pop culture fables having formed the foundation of my moral compass, I have always tried my best to be the good guy. When someone points at me and accuses me of being evil, I often find myself, like Daredevil, just sitting in the shadows muttering to myself, “But I’m not the bad guy.” In essence, whenever I’m accused of being evil, I’m naturally consumed by self-analysis trying to figure out exactly what I did was wrong.

I don’t know why, but whenever people accuse me of being an evildoer, it tends to happen when I’m hanging out with Trouble. (Her choice of handle, not mine.) I guess it all started back in university, as part of that lost weekend called “The Vote No Campaign.” I’ve ranted about it many times, and I really should let it go, and I’m pretty hopeful that this’ll be the last time. Anyway, for those coming in late, this all goes back to my final year in university. Based on Brad Goertz’s record as editor of the school newspaper, I felt that Goertz would make a very poor students union president. No one was running against him. I couldn’t run against him because I was graduating. So, since unopposed candidates are put to a yes/no vote by the student populous, I decided to launch Augustana’s first ever “Vote No” campaign. Seemed simple enough. Trouble was one of my first, and main, supporters.

And that was the rub. For you see, Trouble, like Goertz, was a strong-willed Political Studies major. They crossed swords many times in class. Goertz and his supporters naturally thought, “Surely, the strong-willed Political Studies major is the true mastermind behind this! Why would a strong-willed Physics major get mixed up in student politics?” So, Trouble and I were accused of being evil by Goertz, his supporters, and well, pretty much the whole campus. But, because of the assumption made by the Goertz camp – that Trouble was the true driving force and I was just a front – Trouble always got the full brunt of abuse. The third time she showed up at my door in tears because she was being accused of and verbally assaulted for something I was doing, that’s when I knew I had to end it. A stupid student election wasn’t worth putting her through hell. When I announced that I was quitting the vote no campaign because I could no longer stand to see what hell the Goertz camp was putting my friends through, the cafeteria was stunned into silence. The Goertz camp, for the rest of the semester, accused me of emotionally manipulating the crowd with my resignation, but I didn’t care. It had to be done to protect my friend.

Yes, I’m rather protective of my friends. Even when they’re on the other side of the world.

Trouble just spent the past year teaching English in China. And she had this one very bitchy co-worker. For me, it always goes back to this story. Naturally, Trouble wanted to study Chinese while she was in China. She’d occasionally try out her Chinese in the office. And this one co-worker…. Well, whenever Trouble made a mistake in grammar or pronunciation, this co-worker would parade Trouble around the office, making Trouble repeat the mistake to other coworkers and students, so everyone could laugh at her. When Trouble caught on and stopped playing this game, this co-worker was not impressed. She constantly talked down Trouble and made such a big deal about the man Trouble replaced. “You’ll never be as good as he was,” and shit like that. She accused Trouble of being slutty. In short, this co-worker was simply not nice.

So, I hatched an evil plot.

Since I am a guy who likes to write letters, I wrote Trouble several times while she was in China. Naturally, this co-worker began spreading the rumour that I was the man Trouble left behind. Did I also mention that this co-worker made it a habit of reading Trouble’s mail? Apparently, the co-worker found my postcards to be particularly frustrating because, if English is not your first language, my handwriting is indecipherable. Actually, it’s pretty indecipherable if English is your first language. Trouble shared all this with me, and I hatched my evil plot.

I would send a postcard, written in very clear printing. In this postcard, I would proceed to “dump” Trouble. Then, I would profess my love for this bitchy co-worker, having fallen in love with her through Trouble’s stories about her. I would end with the declaration that I would be coming to China soon to settle down with this bitchy co-worker. I thought it was brilliant. I told Trouble this idea. She also thought it was brilliant. Although, it was several months before I finally did send it.

When the postcard did arrive, it apparently caused quite a stir in the office. According to Trouble’s blog, this postcard actually tickled the bitchy co-worker. She was walking on air for the rest of Trouble’s time there. She even went so far as to say she would nickname her next boyfriend “Mark,” which actually kind of creeped out Trouble. But still, I couldn’t help but feel rather proud. Trouble was happy because the bitchy co-worker was off her back with fantasies of a handsome Canadian farm boy. The bitchy co-worker was happy because she was enjoying fantasies of a handsome Canadian farm boy. And I was happy because China was now convinced that I am a handsome Canadian farm boy. In short, my “evil” plot made everyone happy. I patted myself on the back for a job well-done, and started to get on with my life.

Until I read the message board on Trouble’s blog. Someone using the Internet handle “Chinese American” felt that this was a very, very nasty trick. Chinese American proceeded to say I was dirty, rotten, and proceeded to make gross generalizations about Canadians. Essentially, Chinese American was saying that all Canadians are evil. And I’m the most evil of all.

Self-analysis in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

What did I do that was so wrong? Surely, a false “I love you” isn’t as evil as publicly humiliating someone for months and subjecting them to insults and false accusations. Does Chinese American know the whole thing? Maybe Trouble was right in the beginning. Maybe it was a cultural thing. Maybe public humiliation, insults, and false accusations are the Chinese way of way of saying hello. No…I don’t think so. I stand by my original assessment when Trouble first started telling me about this co-worker. “No, I don’t think it’s a cultural difference. I think this co-worker is just being a bitch.” I mean, even this bitchy co-worker got a kick out of what I did! I think the only who’s not happy about this is a bewildered Chinese man who’s trying to figure out why his girlfriend keeps calling him Mark.

I thought what I was doing was sticking up for a friend. But, I guess you can’t do that anymore without offending someone. One of my heroes once said that bad things happen when good people sit by and do nothing. But think about. It’s the ones that sit by and do nothing that are applauded as being the good ones. There is no such thing as benevolence. Any action you take will always be interpreted as evil or wrong by someone. There are six billion people in the world, and each one has their own perception of what’s good and what’s evil. Your perception of good will always be someone’s perception of evil. At the end of the day, the only thing you need worry about is if you can sleep at night.

I mean, I don’t know anymore. I don’t have much trouble sleeping at night. Next time I try to stick up for a friend, though, I don’t think a plot will be involved. I think I’ll just fall back on the good old, “Hey! Leave my friend alone or I’ll kick your ass!” And I’m sure someone will see that as me being a bully. The comic books, cartoons, and morality fables never got into that. No one ever protested G.I. Joe’s invasion of Cobra Island. No one laid charges against Superman for his mistreatment of Lex Luthor. None of the Evil Sorcerer’s subjects ever turned to Prince Charming and said, “You bastard! He was actually a very nice guy.” Sadly, the real world is so much greyer than the black and white of these tales. I may be good. I may be evil. All I know is, I am me. And I will try to be the best me I can be.