The Conversation

Chaos in Print

So, if you haven’t been following any news whatsoever, one of the current hot topics of discussion in the news here in Canada is the legalization of same sex marriage. Ever since Ontario went and did it, the federal government is thinking of following suit. Naturally, people are up in arms. Now, I love watching the news and hearing the opinions of the people who are against it. I love this one extreme facet that is convinced that a law saying marriage is only legal between a man and a woman is the only thing keeping the population of the world from turning gay. I actually heard one protester say on the 6 o’clock news, “If the government legalizes this, there won’t be no babies born no more.” I mean, how insecure are these people in their sexuality? I’m sure that these are the same people who are convinced that the keeping marijuana illegal is preventing teenagers from getting their hands on it. I just think their reasoning is silly. If history has shown us anything, that is there will always be a few men who like to get it on with women, and a few women who like to get it on with men. We don’t need laws saying that this must be the only way.

Just to make things clear, I’m for the legalization of same sex marriage. I’m a hopeless romantic and I don’t think the government should stand in the way of true love. I also know I’m not gay, and I know a law saying the only one I can marry is a woman is not the only thing keeping me straight. But let’s imagine for a moment that it were. You know, let’s indulge this extreme facet of conservatism. Let’s say we’re all gay, and laws saying we can only marry the opposite gender is the only thing that’s kept the human race from extinction. Let’s peek in on an average suburban household the day after same sex marriage is legalized….

Husband>> Good morning, dear!

Wife>> Good morning!

Husband>> How did you sleep last night?

Wife>> Oh, I slept wonderfully! And you?

Husband>> Couldn’t be better!

Wife>> That’s great, dear. I’ve made breakfast for you, and it’s on the table.

Husband>> Thank you. Oh, I love you dear!

Wife>> And I love you, too!

Husband>> And not because the laws say I have to.

Wife>> I know dear.

(Husband sits down and begins to read the paper)

Husband>> Now, this is interesting.

Wife>> What is it?

Husband>> Well, it seems that government has legalized gay marriage.

Wife>> Really?

Husband>> Really.

Wife>> Huh.

Husband>> Yeah.

(Both are lost in thought for a while)

Husband>> You know, dear, now with this development in the world, there’s something I feel I have to tell you.

Wife>> What is that?

Husband>> I have a craving for young Asian men.

Wife>> Really?

Husband>> Yes.

Wife>> Is that why you always call me ‘Satoshi’ when we’re getting our freak on?

Husband>> I’m afraid it is.

Wife>> Oh.

Husband>> I hope I haven’t broken your heart, darling.

Wife>> No, it’s just that, I have a confession to make, too.

Husband>> What is that?

Wife>> I don’t watch the WNBA because I like basketball.

Husband>> What are you saying, dear?

Wife>> I’m saying that there’s nothing I like more than watching those hot, sweaty, girls running around in their shorts and tank tops.

Husband>> Is that why you always put on k.d. Lang when we’re getting intimate?

Wife>> Yes it is, dear.

Husband>> Huh.

Wife>> Yeah.

(Both are lost in thought)

Wife>> So, what are we going to do now?

Husband>> Well, I say we run on down to the courthouse and get ourselves a divorce!

Wife>> Brilliant!

Husband>> And then I’m going to go to down to my office and flirt excessively with Hiroyuki the intern!

Wife>> And I think I’ll head on down to the high school. You know, Ms. Parker, the new volleyball coach, is built like a brick house.

Husband>> Does this mean you’ll finally stop having that affair with mailman?

Wife>> Why, yes, I believe I will!

Husband>> That’s great! You know, I wonder if Kenji was always hitting on me when he said he had a big package for me….

Wife>> Well, you know you’ll be able to flirt right back now, dear.

Husband>> Yes. Let me just say, darling, that I’m so happy you’ve taken this revelation with such kindness and understanding that, if you were a Shinjuku businessman, I’d be on my knees before you!

Wife>> Oh, that’s wonderful, dear! And you’ve taken my revelation with such ease that, if you were a cheerleader, I’d ask you back to my office for some discipline!

Husband>> Thank you, darling! Come, let’s run on down to the courthouse!

Wife>> Wait a minute. Don’t’ you think we’re being selfish?

Husband>> How so?

Wife>> Well, we won’t be propagating the human race anymore. The world will end as we know it.

Husband>> Huh.

Wife>> Yeah.

Husband>> Oh, well. Humans had a good run.

Wife>> Yup.

(Both are lost in thought)

Husband>> Wanna do it one last time for old times sake?

Wife>> OK.

Truly, a chilling vision of the future.

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