So what is this obsession with size on the Internet? Every time I check my e-mail, I see that I’m flooded with all kinds of spam saying that my size can be increased by 4 inches. I just look and that and say, “But what am I going to do with 20 inches?” And then, because we live a society of equality, I keep scrolling through my inbox to see that, for just $14.95, I can increase to the next cup size. First, let me get a girlfriend. Then, I’ll let her ignore such spam. And then, as I keep going through the inbox, we get out of the smut and into something more legitimate. Faster bandwidth! Bigger server space! Bigger numbers in your bank account! Advertisers on the Internet seem to follow the motto of the Olympics: swifter, higher, stronger. And now, Chuck wants me to get in on the action. But, he’s doing it in a way to buck the trend.

Chuck is still the number one fan of the columns, but he’s starting to worry that they’re getting a little too long. When he told me that, I instantly asked the question, “Well, do you not like the long ones?” His reply was that he thinks they’re fine, but the casual reader might be turned off at some of my 20 page epics. I pointed out that my average size still tends to be a shade over 2 pages, probably 2½ pages, and Chuck said that it’s OK. But still, he had to point out that when users of Netscape or Internet Explorer look to the right-hand side and see the scroll bar, they might get turned off when they realize how much that there is.

I’m trying to win more readers, here, not turn them away. Will Joe Lunchbucket have the time to scroll through a 20 page adventure in Chichibu? Will Sally Officelady have the patience to read 15 pages of moodiness and introspection? Probably not. To increase circulation, I’ve got to decrease my length.

That’s easy enough. I just have to start saying less. I have to embrace this writing technique called “editing” in which repetition is weeded out, thus leaving only the essence of the story. I have to start choosing shorter words. I have to start writing multiple drafts. And, I have to embrace this writing technique called “editing” in which repetition is weeded out, thus leaving only the essence of the story.

But that’s not all! Remember in high school and university, when those papers came up just a little too short? Remember the techniques we’d employ to make them look longer? Well, I can start implying the opposite of all those techniques! I can decrease the margins. The columns are still optimized for 640*480 resolution. Let’s re-optimize for 800*600. I can decrease the font size, too! It’s conceivable to shrink a whole 20-page article to just 1 page!

It’s time for something truly revolutionary, here. I’m cutting things down to size. The Internet is saying “swifter, higher, stronger,” right? Well, I’m going to follow the mantra of computer engineers: “smaller, faster, cheaper.” With smaller columns, people can read them faster, and since they’re so cheap, the money will start rolling in! Smaller is better, people! I’m sure that we can all learn to be happy with just 16 inches.