So, I’ve got this friend Kenten. He’s been a major character in my columns, but normally I change his name. This time around, though, his true name gets dragged through the mud. Here I go and spend days crafting my columns, but Kenten always goes and declares these mini-ramblings I throw off the top of my head “the funniest things I’ve ever written.” Just for you now, I’ve compiled that funniest things I’ve ever written, according to Kenten. Hey! And it just occurred to me that Kenten was always responsible for their creation. I hope you’re happy, Kenten!
Dear Jed
Back when Kenten was editor of our college paper, there was this advice column called Dear Jeds, where two freshmen girls would dispense advice. “Jeds” was their initials stuck together. Anyway, not a lot of people wrote them asking for advice, and they soon gave up. When they did, Kenten came to me and said this: “Hey Mark! Those ‘Jeds’ girls are quitting. But for their final column, I’ve got a great idea. How about an advice column written by Uncle Jed, you know, from The Beverly Hillbillies?” I said “Great idea, Kenten!” Then Kenten said, “Cool. Write it.” So, I went home, played around at my computer, and this is what I came up with:
If you have a problem and don’t know who to go to, write to Jed care of the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills.
Dear Jed,
I really have a problem and need your help. Christmas is coming up, but, since I attend Augustana University College, there is no absolute way I can afford any Christmas presents for my family! Can you please help me?
Signed, Strapped for Cash in Camrose
Dear Strapped for Cash,
Weeellll, doggie! You do have yourself in a bit of bind. Well, here’s what you do. Ever since I struck oil when I was out huntin’ and moved to Beverly Hills, I have had nuthin’ but money lyin’ around the place. Why don’t you swing by the house, Granny’ll fix some possum stew, and we’ll set ya up for the holidays! Merry Christmas!
Dear Jed,
Final exams are coming up, and I am having problems in some of my classes. I am becoming increasingly stressed as finals approach. Do you have any help for me in studying for my final exams?
Signed, Low Mark
Dear Mark,
Well, geez, I don’t know to much about schoolin’. Let me turn this over to my nephew, Jethro. He’s the educated one in the family. HEY, JETHRO!! GET OVER HERE!!
Hey, there Mark. This here’s Jethro. Now, I got me a Grade 6 education, so I know the problems with tryin’ to learn stuff. What always helps me before a big test is you get yer shot-gun and go out huntin’ a big ol’ deer before the test. Then, give the deer to your teacher. Nothin’ makes a teacher happier than a big ol’ deer. That’ll guarantee you passin yer test. Thanks fer writin’! I got to go back to trainin’ to be a double-naught spy!
Dear Jed,
I was wondering if you could help me. There’s this little red-haired girl I always see in the cafeteria and I would like to go out with her. But, I’m kind of scared to ask her. Can you give me some advice?
Signed, Lovesick at Lunch
Dear Lovesick,
Well, dog my cats! I just love when I see a young fella’ like yourself in love. This is what always worked for me. Try the direct approach. Just walk up to her, and flat-out ask her. Get her a nice meal of squirrel pie and chitlins and gravy, and then take her out to one of them motion pictures. Then, with a little bit of Granny’s home brew, you’ll be skinny dippin’ in the cement pond in no time! Hope I was helpful!
2 Weeks And No New Strip: Pokémon style
Kenten’s got this little comic strip, Chuck Loves The World, that he runs at his website. Every time he goes two weeks without putting up a new “daily” strip, I post a message chiding him for his lack of effort. Lately, I’ve been making little stories where a new Chuck strip will determine the fate of the world. The first one I did revolved around a Masters Of The Universe theme, with Skeletor’s latest plot being a spell preventing Kenten from writing more strips. For the second one, I was going through many classic cartoons, trying to determine what I should do: G.I. Joe, Mask, Sailor Moon, but finally a muse whispered in my ear: Pokémon. The following is what I posted to Kenten’s message board:
Our story opens as we watch the world famous cartoonist, Kenten, walking down the road with his closest friend and comic strip star, Ratsputin.
Ratsputin>> Look, you’ve got to get over this writer’s block. I’m sick and tired after going after Chuck’s notes with a Mixmaster day after day.
Kenten>> I know! But I’ve been awful busy, you know, with work and all. Plus I have a girlfriend! Are you aware of how high-maintenance those things are?
Ratsputin>> I can forgive you with the girlfriend, but work? Jeez I can do your job! (Doing a really bad impersonation of Kenten’s voice) “Gee, I’m sorry, but The Sixth Sense isn’t in.”
But little do our heroes know that, at this moment, they are being watched. For, as we go up into the tree-line, we see that they are being spied upon by Team Rocket’s top agents!
Jessie>> What is that rodent thing talking to that guy?
James>> I have no idea. Perhaps it’s some kind of new pokémon.
Meowth>> Let’s grab it!
Our villains leap from the trees, and prepare to strike!
Jessie>> Prepare for trouble!
James>> Make it double!
[Author’s note: OK, we all know this, so I’ll just hit fast forward here.]
Jessie>> Alright, you, hand over that pokémon!
Ratsputin>> What the f–k? I ain’t no pokémon.
James>> Wheezing, go!
Wheezing lets loose with a poison gas attack! In all the commotion, Meowth manages to clobber Ratsputin, and Team Rocket makes off with the world’s most beloved rodent-thing! Kenten, saddend by the loss of his meal ticket, curls up into the fetal position and begins weeping like a little girl. But, at this moment, some familiar faces enter the city limits of Kingman!
Ash>> Alright! As soon as I defeat the Kingman gym leader, I can win a lutefisk badge and continue my journey on to becoming a pokémon master!
Misty>> “Win?” Don’t you mean get lucky again?
Ash>> Shut up, bitch. You’ve been riding my ass since day one!
Tracey>> Now, now Ash. There’s no need for foul language.
Ash>> Your right. I’m just getting so hungry that I’ve forgotten this is a kid’s show. (Spotting Kenten) Hey! What’s that?
Pikachu>> PIKA!
Our heroes help Kenten to his feet. As soon as Kenten stops crying like a baby, he explains his story.
Kenten>> So, without Ratsputin, there can be no more “Chuck Loves The World” strips!
Ash>> That’s horrible! “Chuck” is only my most favorite strip in all the world! This time, Team Rocket has gone to far!
Pikachu>> PIKA!!
And with that, our heroes (and Kenten) charge off after Team Rocket! Can they save Ratsputin? Will there be any new “Chuck” strips? Only Kenten knows the answer….