Midnight Ramblings VIII

Chaos in Print

NOTE: You know the name, you know the premise! Every once in a while, I send a rambling e-mail to my buddy, here called “Neelix,” just to unload everything that’s currently bugging me in the world of pop culture. This time around, though, I’ll be confessing my deepest, darkest, sexual fantasies. You might want to skip over the one involving popsicle sticks and chocolate frosting. Enjoy!

Hey Neelix!

OK, so I just rented Pokémon: The First Movie. If you remember my original review, then you’ll remember that I couldn’t help but draw comparisons between it and that classic from my childhood, Transformers: The Movie. I kept thinking that Pokémon was missing something that Transformers had. At first I thought it was the death of a hero. Who could forget the death of Optimus Prime in Transformers? But now that I’ve seen Pokémon: The First Movie again, it finally dawned on me. It wasn’t the death of a hero! It was the sneaking in of a swear! Who could forget that scene in Transformers where Spike says “shit?” So, this is my proposal for the sequel, Pokémon: The Movie 2000, coming out this July. When Team Rocket fails in their next attempt to kidnap Pikachu, Meowth should turn to his teammates and say “Ah, shit. We do we even try anymore?” But there has been more on my mind than sneaking swears into G rated movies.

Lately, I’ve been pondering one of the greatest questions of the universe: why the hell did I quit watching Sports Night? I’m not talking about ITV’s nightly sports wrap-up, but about the same-named comedy-drama that takes place behind the scenes of a sports channel news show. I was a devout watcher in the first season, but when it came back in September, I caught the first few episodes, but then quit watching. But now, I’ve just gotten back into it, and man does it rock! I just couldn’t believe it when Natalie and Jeremy broke up. They were made for each other. But then, things just got weird when Jeremy started dating that porn star. And then there’s Casey and Dan. They were the best of friends, but then when Casey made that “100 most influential people in sports” list and Dan got left off, there was a tension between them that you could cut with a knife. Things came to a head tonight when Dan snapped on air. I can’t wait to see what happens next. This show just rocks! Why did I ever quit watching it? It’s starting to replace Ally McBeal as my favorite quirky comedy-drama.

Speaking of Ally McBeal, are you still watching that? Things have really taken a weird turn this season. See, Billy started acting all male-chauvinistic, which eventually lead him to bleaching his hair, divorcing his wife, and dating his secretary. Soon, that evolved into these wild hallucinations. He finally went to see a doctor about it tonight, and it turns out he has a brain tumor. This does fit in with what I’m reading. Apparently, he’s going to die of this brain tumor in the season finale. That sucks. I kind of liked him before he got the tumor and started acting all wonky. And what about Nell? She’s launching some kind of Machiavellian scheme to take over the law firm! This makes me wonder if she’s dating John simply because she loves him, or if it’s all part of her plot. I used to like her. I used to defend her to people. Now I hope someone smacks her. No, better yet, I hope someone crushes her. Argh. I’m just too involved in my stories.

Speaking of stories, did you watch Anne of Green Gables: The Continuing Story? If not, I’m going to have to report you to the un-Canadian activities committee. I thought it was OK. I really started thinking it was weird in that scene where Anne was locked in a jail in war-torn France (for it takes place during World War I), and she rigs a stove into a cannon to blow a hole in the wall, just like MacGyver. Actually, it gave me a great idea for a spoof: Anne of Green Gables Episode I: The Phantom Menace. While fleeing from the planet Naboo, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gonn set down in the small town of Green Gables for repairs. There, they sense that the force is strong in this feisty young red-headed orphan girl. Can Anne become a Jedi, fight off the evil of Darth Maul, and find true love with Gilbert Blythe? OK, it’s still in the planning stages, but I tell you, there’s potential in this spoof.

Oh, speaking of Star Wars, I got bored one day and came up with this. Tell me what you think:

The Top 10 Signs That, Despite Your Best Efforts, You’ve Become a Geek:
10) You got a weird tingly feeling when you saw the trailers for Episode I.
9) You actively debate how well a Starfury would handle the Death Star Trench Run.
8) You consider “Weird Al” Yankovic’s Dare To Be Stupid to be the greatest album ever made.
7) You get the jokes in User Friendly
6) You repeatedly ask your lover to “hail to the king, baby.”
5) When you’re in a mall, you keep you’re eyes peeled for Agents.
4) You’ve been shopping for toys from the 80’s on eBay.
3) You know for certain that the truth is out there.
2) Your spell checker recognizes the names “Boba Fett,” “Jadzia Dax,” and “Ranma Saotome.”
And the #1 sign that you’ve become a geek:
1) You’re reading this list in line to see Episode II.

What do you think? Granted, I’m no Letterman, but I’m still new to this whole comedy thing.

Actually, I’d like to get serious for a second. Recently, I had this incident with my sister. I was online for 0.5 minutes, when she announced to me that she needed to make a phone call. So, I got offline, and she made her call, which lasted about half-an-hour. When she was done, she came up to me and announced that she would not feel guilty about me getting offline so she could use the phone, and despite my manipulations, she would never feel guilty about that. I was stunned. I thought I was just being nice, not trying to send my sister on a guilt trip.

This made me flash back to my infamous “vote no” campaign. When I got up in front of the cafeteria to announce that I was giving up the campaign, my detractors said I was just manipulating emotions to try and win votes. So, this leads me to my dilemma. Am I some kind of idiot savant at manipulating people? I mean, I don’t mean to do it, if I do it at all. Maybe society has just grown so cynical that when people encounter someone who’s nice, they instantly don’t trust him/her. Perhaps society has grown so mistrustful that when we listen to someone speaking from the heart, our first instinct is to think that there is a hidden agenda behind it. Or, perhaps, despite my best efforts, I am just a despicable human being. I don’t know.

Boy, that sure ended things on a downer. I think I’ll go build log cabins out of popsicle sticks, and eat a can of chocolate frosting. That always cheers me up.

Mark