Hey there, all! Let me explain the set-up for this column. I have this one friend. Every once in a while, usually when it’s really late at night and I have nothing better to do, I send him an e-mail detailing things that are bugging me lately. It donned on me “Why don’t I leave my friend alone, and just convert these ramblings into a column?” So, what you are about to read is an actual e-mail I sent him! I’ll call him/her “Neelix” to protect his/her life. Here’s the letter:
How’s it going? I was just having one of those nights where I’m bored out of my mind, so I thought I’d sent you a little something to say “hi!”
I see now that McDonald’s is having this special, where for another fifty cents or so, they’ll put bacon on your burger. They’ll put bacon on any of their burgers. When I heard about this I instantly thought “What’s the strangest thing you could put bacon on?” I now lie awake at night wondering what a Fillet-O-Fish with bacon would taste like.
Speaking of fast food, I’m sure by now we’ve all seen that A&W Papa Burger commercial. You know, the one where the wife is getting all ready for a romantic evening, and the husband is making all these romantic overtures. Then, to the wife’s dismay, he’s making all these romantic overtures to the Papa Burger. Those who have seen the commercial know that the husband is brought out of his stupor by being smacked by the A&W bear. This has led me to wonder: if the husband and wife are prepared for a romantic evening, what is the guy in the bear suit doing there? And do I really want to know? Reminds me of that line from the cartoon Futurama: “I don’t want to know what you’re doing with the one-eyed alien, the crab, and the Asian lady, but whatever it is it’s screwing up the TV reception.”
I really hate those GAP commercials that are currently on. You know the ones with all those people singing some kind of song in unison, and it ends with “Everyone in (insert name of clothing that the GAP deems “hot”). They are really getting on my nerves. I don’t know why. I think it’s because they have a creepy “You will be assimilated” feeling to them. I can see it now: “We are GAP. You will wear our fashions. Resistance is futile.” The whole GAP experience makes me nauseous. I went into one of their stores once, and it almost made me vomit. Literally. There was some kind of smell in the air that was making me sick. Besides, that and they are seeking to assimilate. I’ll continue buying my $9.95 Hawaiian shirts at Zeller’s, thank you very much.
Do you want to know something ironic? I don’t drink, yet I’m amassing a huge collection of beer mugs and glasses. I don’t know why, it just happened that way. I’ve got one that my Dad let me have from his collection. I got one that an aunt gave me for my 18th birthday. I’ve got one from Red Lobster restaurants, because we went there for my birthday one year, and they were giving them away that night. I’ve got one from a garage sale that the ALCB once deemed the standard for all bars across Alberta. I’ve got one from Planet Hollywood, as thanks for everything I did for Augustana’s radio station in the 97/98 school year. And, I’ve got a beer stein from Germany. But, what bugs me is I’m missing one. My grandmother gave me one for Christmas one year. I kept it in its box, and on my desk. Then, when I went to college, my Dad spread out his beer-making stuff on my desk. When he moved his stuff, he claimed the mug for himself. After I got back, I put it back on my desk. When I came home from college back in April, my desk had been moved, and the mug missing completely. Since I’ve just started worrying about it now, I’m wondering if I should start pestering to get it back, or give it up. I’m thinking about giving it up.
Hey, did you know that the very first Masters of the Universe comic had He-Man teaming up with Superman? It’s true! This is how it went down. In another one of his efforts to break into Castle Greyskull, Skeletor opened up an inter-dimensional portal. But, Skeletor’s aim was off, and the portal opened up on Earth, where it sucked Superman through to Eternia. Since Superman tends to make his powers kind of obvious, Skeletor quickly put a spell on him, and used Superman to launch an assault on Greyskull. He-Man, Battle Cat, and Teela showed up to thwart this assault, and it became a slug-fest between Superman and He-Man. Eventually, the Sorceress of Greyskull was able to determine that Superman was under a spell and removed it. He-Man and Superman then teamed up to take down Skeletor for the day. The Sorceress then opened up a portal back to Earth, and Superman went home. Cool, eh? I don’t know why no one’s tried to resurrect He-Man as a comic book. I’d read it!
Finally saw I movie I’ve been wanting to see for a long time, and a movie people have been telling me to see for a long time: The Shawshank Redemption. That was just an amazing movie. And such a simple theme: in the direst of circumstances, hope survives. That guy Andy (played by Tim Robbins) never gave up hope. And that was cool. Like he said, there’s something deep down inside, that no one can take away. I’ll probably watch it again before I have to take it back to the video store. Hey, and the creators of that film are almost done a similarly-themed movie. Like The Shawshank Redemption, it takes place in a prison in the 50’s, is written and directed by Frank Darabont, and based on a book by Stephen King. It’s called The Green Mile, and it’s about a death row inmate who appears to have the ability to work miracles. Tom Hanks plays a guard who befriends this inmate. Looks pretty good. Hopefully, it is as a good as The Shawshank Redemption. Wow, that was good.
After that, I watched Mallrats. Mallrats has a special place in my heart. First, it was the first movie I saw at college, thus setting up my whole university existence. Secondly, it turned me on to the films of Kevin Smith. I don’t know, his movies just speak to me. The characters seem to be the most like me. Anyway, this is what I find cool. At the end of Clerks, we see the words “Jay and Silent Bob will return in Dogma.” At the end of Mallrats, we see “Jay and Silent bob will return in Chasing Amy.” And, at the end of Chasing Amy, we see “Jay and Silent Bob will return in Dogma. No, really. I mean it this time.” If all goes smoothly, Dogma will come out in November.
And, that’s a good place to leave this! See ya!