Greetings, y’all! ‘Tis I, the Scarecrow, coming at you in print once again. I’m sure that by now, you have all seen my election posters plastered all around campus. That’s right! I want a piece of the pie! I want to run this joint! So, I have declared my candidacy, and put up my posters declaring the real issues, such as world domination. Within a couple of hours of putting up my posters, one of our esteemed _ag editors (the good one, not the one with the god complex) asked me to throw together a little article with my views on the forthcoming elections. So, this is my view askew of the other candidates. Let me just say, the gloves (and most of my other clothing) are off for these comments.
First, we have Lee Frederick, “the man who knows the real issues.” Let’s see…Lee Frederick. Wasn’t I in a class with you? Oh, yeah, Political Science 210. As I recall, your attendance in that course was really hit-and-miss. You would show up for a class, spout off a few profound statements, and then miss class for about a week and a half or so. Next time you showed up, the cycle would repeat itself. If I remember correctly, you also missed all of the extra-curricular events, such as the time we all picked songs that best reflected Plato’s works (the most cool event of the class, Dr. Epp). And you weren’t there. Is this the kind of man we want for president? One who’s going to miss every second SU meeting? If his attendance record spills over to the office of President, then boy, are we in trouble.
And Lee, your campaign slogan seems to be that “you know the real issues.” On a great portion of your advertising, you like to spout off some statistics, then point out that you knew it. Everywhere I turn, I see that you know the real issues. Well, that’s fine and dandy, but what are you going to do about the real issues? There are no women humanities professors next year. You know that, and now you’ve told a great deal of the campus about it. So? What are you going to do about it? You are not telling us the most vital thing we need to know. Do you watch the Silver Surfer cartoon? If not, let me fill you in on the lesson of the Watchers. Don’t gather knowledge for the sake of it. Knowledge is no good unless you act upon it. That is, you know the issues, but what are you going to do about them? Huh? I can’t here you. They are not on your posters. But, who knows? I write this on the eve of the Candidates Forum, so you may rectify the situation tomorrow night.
One last thing about your advertising, there, Lee. Shortly after I put up my posters, I found these new ones of yours right next to mine proudly telling us to “Vote for the man who knows the real issues.” They were put up shortly after I put up mine. Now, my overactive imagination would like to think that I spawned this. That is, you see me as a threat, and you felt that you should eliminate this threat. If that is the case, then I’m honored that you think I am going to give you a run for your money. Or, it just means that you’ve seen one too many episodes of The X-Files, and it has made you so paranoid that you are afraid that your shadow is going to run against you.
How about we leave poor Lee alone now? Now, we set our sights on the other presidential hopeful, Stuart Prest. I share a couple classes with Stuart, too. Perfect attendance. He’s always there. He’s reliable. You have to admit, though, on this campus, Stuart is da man! He is a presidential scholarship winner. Every time he walks down a hallway, women swoon over him. And then, he flashes that pearly white smile of his. What’s his secret? Why, he uses Prest brand toothpaste, recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists! He is so cool, that for every class we share, he always a fashionable ten minute late. But, is this poor guy a victim of fashion?
As I’ve already indicated, Stuart is da man! Is da man! really a good choice for a president? I mean, a person who is da man!, or da woman! for argument’s sake, has the potential to become so wrapped up in his/her image, that they will allow everything else to crumble around them in order to maintain their image. Or, we could look at the opposite side of the coin. OK, as I mentioned, he’s a presidential scholarship winner. What are the requirements on that again? You need to have a full course load with an average of 8.5 or greater, and n number of leadership hours. Now, Stuart expects to do all that and be president? If I had that amount of stress on my shoulders, I would be at the top of our bell tower (hey, we have a bell tower now) with a high-powered sniper rifle before you could say “He’s gone postal.” Who knows? Maybe Stuart is the kind who thrives on stress, and he’ll rise to the occasion. Or, he’ll go nuts and go on a killing spree. Ain’t democracy grand? But, Stuart does have a sense of humor. He actually complimented me on my campaign posters.
Let’s see, who else is running and in what positions? Candace Carson, I believe, is running for VP Internal. What can I say about her? She’s got Winnie the Pooh on one of her posters. Who can bad-mouth Winnie the Pooh? Well, they pulled it off on that episode of Pinky and the Brain called The Megalomaniacal Adventures of Brainie the Pooh, but I digress. If she likes Winnie the Pooh, she’s good enough for me! And since there is no one running against her, I guess we’re stuck with her. Who else is running? Well, that’s it. Apparently, no one else gives a krunk! Not much of a race this year. I guess if I really wanted an elected position, I should have run for VP Finance. Think about it. VP Finance controls the money. He who controls the money, controls the power.
Well, that’s the election. We have da man! vs “the man who knows the issues.” Given what we know about these people, I now present to you the only logical choice: vote for me! That’s right! Scarecrow for President! What are my qualifications? Well, I know the issues, too. Weather I really need to do something about them is another question, but I know them. And also, what brand of toothpaste I use isn’t important, because I don’t brush my teeth! What do I hope to accomplish in my term of office? Why, it is simply step 2 in plan H64 for global domination. So remember, a vote for Scarecrow is a vote for me! When you fill out that little ballot, vote for the insane choice! Vote Scarecrow! Oh, and if you really vote for me, I would sure like to know how, seeing as to how I’m not on the ballot. Goodnight, everybody!
Don’t forget, if you didn’t like this column, then you probably won’t like my show, Chaos in a Box with the Scarecrow, Wednesdays at 9 on CLCR.