Chaos in Print: The Further Adventures of the Scarecrow — Christmas Edition

Greetings, y’all! Scarecrow talking at you once again. Well, actually, I’m not talking to you. This is more like a transcript of a fictitious conversation we had in an alternate universe. Oh, how I love that alternate universe. Over there, I have listeners for my show. But, I digress. As we are all aware of at the moment, Christmas vacation is fast approaching. Since I too am a lover of all things festive, I would like to delve into some of my favorite aspects of Christmas. This is not a regular column of mine, this is more a collection of quotes and quips about Christmas, and how we love it.

There have been a lot of crazy things I have read about Christmas, and in some of the attempts to politically correct it. I once read a case of a high school in the United States that banned mistletoe from its Christmas decorations, claiming that it promotes sexual harassment. This got me to thinking as to weather mistletoe really is an excuse for sexual harassment. So, I e-mailed the sexual harassment committee in regards to this. Unfortunately, I am still waiting a response. So, if this holiday season you find yourself trapped under the mistletoe, I suggest you use your own discretion, and be well-advised of the traditions involved.

One of my obsessive-compulsive habits also rears its ugly head around the holidays. When I was but a lad, my mother got the bright idea that perhaps we should tape a couple of the Christmas specials on TV. I really took to this, and rather than just a couple of specials on a tape, I ended up with 3 tapes of Christmas specials. For those who are time obsessed, that’s 18 hours worth of holiday cheer. It can even show how I have grown and matured in my life. The first special on the first tape is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, taped when I was nine years old. The last special on the third tape is A Pinky and the Brain Christmas, taped just two years ago. It was then that even I decided that enough was enough. So, as the helpful elf I am, I present to you the list of my five favorite Christmas specials:

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – We can all identify with Rudolph and his “special gift.”

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus – For those who like fantasy, this is how Santa came into being.

A Claymation Christmas – Who could ever forget that stirring rendition of Rudolph, as sung by the California Raisins.

A Wish for Wings That Work – Novel because it stars Opus the Penguin and the cast of the Outland comic strip.

A Pinky and the Brain Christmas – This time, the Brain’s diabolical plot for world domination is to use Santa to distribute his mind-controlling toys to the children of the world. My favorite plot point: Pinky and the Brain disguise themselves as “Canadian elves” to infiltrate Santa’s workshop.

What does a fat man in a red suit with a flying sleigh pulled by reindeer have to do with the birth of Christ? Can anyone tell me that? And while were on the subject, how does hacking down trees and pulling them inside a house fit into the equation? Not that I don’t enjoy these parts of the season, but I just want to know why.

If you’re asking, you can get me a 35″ TV with stereo sound for Christmas, along with a 4-head Hi-Fi VCR, and a DVD player. If you can afford to get these things for me, how about giving some money to the University? I hear we need a new library.

Seeing as to how we have had the Christmas specials, how about the Christmas movies? These are my favorite Christmas movies:

Miracle on 34th Street – The original from the ’40s, not the remake that came out a few years back. Trust me, the original is better.

Home Alone – Even though Macaulay Culkin is now a screwed-up teenager, this is still one darn funny movie.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – Chevy Chase’s finest.

The Nightmare Before Christmas – The only Christmas movie that doubles as a Halloween movie.

Die Hard – OK, the only thing that makes this a Christmas move is that it takes place at Christmas time. But you must admit, it is different from the usual holiday fare.

Do you know what I really miss now that I’m a grown-up? I miss that McDonald’s Christmas commercial where Ronald McDonald goes skating with those kids, and there’s that one kid who can’t skate, so Ronald picks him up and takes him all over the frozen pond as all these Disney-esque animated animals look on. When I was a kid, I knew it was Christmas when that commercial was on. While I’m on the subject of things that make me know it’s Christmas, does anyone know where I can obtain a copy of the song Six White Boomers? You know, it’s that Christmas song about the poor baby kangaroo stuck in the zoo, so Santa comes and rescues him and takes him back to Australia. And we find out that in Australia, Santa uses six white boomers to pull his sleigh. (According to the song, a boomer is a really big, elderly kangaroo) It is one of my favorite Christmas songs and I would kill to get it on CD. Well, not kill. That would violate the spirit of the holidays.

There you go. A peek into what Christmas means to me. There are just certain things I love about Christmas, like lights and eggnog and snow. Too bad it looks like we won’t have any snow this year. Then I guess Santa will have to come on a quad. Even though I am now a healthy young man of 20, there is still one thing I am sure of. There is a Santa Claus. I mean, someone has to bring those toys. When it comes down to weather there is a Santa Claus or not, you just have to close your eyes and trust in blind faith. Maybe that’s how Santa fits in with the birth of Christ. They both involve having to take leaps of faith. While we are on that subject, was is this elusive “meaning of Christmas?” Is it to celebrate the birth of Christ? Is it to prove that it is better to give than to receive? Is it to once again show the importance of family? Is it nothing but rushed shopping blitz invented by marketing people? Or perhaps it is just part of a lab mouse’s diabolical plot for world domination. Either way, whatever you believe it to be, this Christmas I wish you a very merry Christmas, and I hope you get what you want. All I really want is to see Tomorrow Never Dies and Titanic. So, until next year, goodnight everybody!

Don’t forget, it you don’t like this column, then you probably won’t like my show Chaos in a Box with the Scarecrow, Wednesdays at 9 on CLCR.

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