The Announcement

Chaos in Print


MOM:  I wonder why he called us here today.

DAD:  He said he has a big announcement to make.

MOM:  You don’t think he’s finally decided, do you?

DAD:  That would be great if he did.

MOM:  Because I don’t think I can afford to put him through another year of university.

DAD:  We were fine when he wanted the first degree.  Getting a second one seemed fine….

MOM:  But now he’s halfway through his fourth!

DAD:  There comes a time when a young man should grow up and start his life.

MOM:  Make a living!  Earn some money!

DAD:  Give us some grandkids.

MOM:  Now now.  You said you’d lay off that today.

DAD:  You’re right, you’re right.

MOM:  How much longer do you think it’s going to take?

DAD:  I don’t know.  He probably just had a late class or something like that.

MOM:  Ahh, here he comes now.


SON:   Mom!  Dad!  How are you today?

MOM:  Fine, fine.

DAD:  Doing good.

SON:   So….

MOM:  So….

DAD:  So….


SON:   Well, I suppose you’re all wondering what I have to share.

DAD:  What’s her name?

SON:   What?

DAD:  The girl you knocked up.  When’s the baby due?

SON:   No, Dad.  That’s not it.

DAD:  Crap!  I knew it!  He’s coming out of the closet!

SON:   Dad!  Mom, a little help?

MOM:  Now, calm down, honey.  I’m sure whatever our son has to share, it’s nothing as Earth-shattering as that.   We’re all ears, son.

SON:   Thanks, Mom.  Well, you see, it’s like this.  I know what I want to do with my life.

DAD:  Oh, we’ve heard this before.  We heard it before the first degree, we heard it before the second one –

SON:   But this time it’s different, Dad.

DAD:  Really?

SON:   Yes!  I know exactly what it is I want to do.  I’ve run the numbers, and I know I can make a lot of money at it.

MOM:  That’s wonderful!

SON:   In fact, I’m doing it now.

MOM:  Uh…OK.  What company is it with?

SON:   Oh, no company.  You could say I’m self-employed.

DAD:  Ugh.  He’s begging us for money.

MOM:  Be quiet.  How long have you been doing it, son?

SON:   All my life.

DAD:  But son, you’ve done nothing for all your life.

MOM:  That’s right.  You’ve only been in school.

SON:   Exactly!

DAD:  So, what, you’re a teacher?

SON:   No.  Mom, Dad, I’m going to be a professional student!

DAD:  What the fuck?

MOM:  What?

SON:   C’mon!  I’ve been a student forever, and we all know I’m really good at it!  I graduated from high school with honours.  3 degrees, each one magna cum laude.  Being a professional student is my calling!

DAD:  I don’t believe this nonsense.

MOM:  Son, be reasonable.  You can’t make any money from being a student.

SON:   Yes I can.

DAD:  Oh yeah?  How?

SON:   Scholarships.

DAD:  Jesus Christ.  You’re self-deluded.

SON:   No, I’m not.  Hear me out, Dad.  When’s the last time I needed financial help?

DAD:  Well…um…I really can’t remember.

SON:   I’ve haven’t asked for money since my freshman year.

DAD:  Which one?

SON:   The first one.

MOM:  Well, that may be, but what about your student loans?

SON:   Made the last payment two years ago.

MOM:  What about your other debts?  Your car, your TV, your stereo?

SON:   Paid, paid, and paid.  I’m debt-free.

MOM:  Wow.  That’s impressive.  You’re father’s been with the company for 30 years and still hasn’t –

DAD:  Shh!  Now son, so you may have gotten a little ahead thanks to some extra money from your scholarships.  But you can’t make a living from them.

SON:   This month I cleared 12 thousand dollars.


MOM:  12 thousand?

SON:   This month alone.  This fisc – I mean school year, I look poised to make 6 figures.

MOM:  Six figures?

SON:   Well, after taxes and paying off next year’s tuition.  Call it a necessary business expense.  That is, if you and Dad approve of my career choice.

DAD:  Son, it sounds like you’ve made a very wise career choice.  Your mother and I will support you to the end!

SON:   Really?

MOM:  Really.

SON:   Excellent!  I knew you’d see it my way!  Steak and lobster is on me!

– END –

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