AUTHOR’S NOTE: I ran my letter of resignation a couple of weeks ago, but I feel I need to expand. I never quite got to leave the Nugget on my terms, as they never told me when the final issue of the semester would be. As such, I never got to do the spectacular “final column” that I was brewing up. Luckily, I’ve still got the website. Ergo, here’s what I wanted to be my final column for the Nugget. Maybe I’ll submit it anyway. Last I heard, no one wanted my job. But I digress.
And another semester has come to an end! What a trip it was! Assuming you were actually interested in the trip. Let’s face it, ever since a few articles about Christians, women, and asthma-sufferers, this paper has gotten somewhat stale. Everyone in the Nugget office – well, no one, really, as editor-in-chief David Fester has been even more invisible than Colin Perillo – has been walking on eggshells, wondering what Big Brother NAITSA will approve for publication. The Nugget has become a pale, Disney-fied version of itself; our school’s very own equivalent of American overreaction to Janet Jackson showing a little nip.
I wish I could say that it was because of those reasons that I’m leaving this humble paper. But no. I’m quitting out of sheer practicality. I’m off to do my practicum, and I won’t be able to do a quality job of covering NAIT when I’m working 24/7 at a radio station. Granted, I could try to do it like last year’s editor-in-chief Harmen Van Andel, which is do very little work on the Nugget, then pop in once every two weeks to pick up my paycheque, but over in RTA they teach us things a little differently than they do in the Business Tower.
But as I prepare to disembark from this hallowed institute of learning, I can’t help but think of all the things I’ve left undone. There’s still so much left to do here at school, out in the city, and in real life. I’ve compiled a short list of things I still want to do before I leave this school, and I’d like to share it with you now:
1) Use the paper to plug my show, Chaos in a Box, Wednesday at 5 on NR92.
2) Use the paper to plug my website, Chaos in a Box.com.
3) Lobby NAITSA for some right & proper election reform. I’m sorry, but having the candidates give speeches during the lunch hours when everyone’s engrossed in their tuna sandwiches is not a good way to go.
4) Reveal who the secret crush is that I’ve alluded to in the past. (And if you haven’t figured it out yet, then God, you’re numb.)
5) Tell those NCIT kids to quit their whining. My God, you write one article about computer theft in the HP Centre, and suddenly, they won’t shut up about it.
6) Give VP Student Affairs Aleesha Jex a really nice backrub, because after putting up with my crap all this semester, she could probably use one.
7) Ditto for President Dwayne Williams.
8) Use the paper to plug my show, Chaos in a Box, Wednesday at 5 on NR92.
9) Give Colin Perillo a pat on the back.
10) Yank David Fester’s head out of the sand.
11) Have my gala screening of The Transformers: The Movie in the Shaw Theatre. Til all are one!
12) Finally convince Team Rocket that Rasputin is not a pokémon.
13) Adapt Twisted ToyFare Theatre into radio plays.
14) Get NAIT President Sam Shaw to do my show.
15) Play a game of strip poker
16) Play a game of strip Trivial Pursuit
17) Play any kind of game that involves removing clothes.
18) Use the paper to plug my show, Chaos in a Box, Wednesday at 5 on NR92.
19) Have my gala screening of UHF in the Shaw Theatre.
20) Commander Dax. The Pink Ranger. A hot tub. Do the math. (AUC REPRESENT!!)
21) Expose the truth about VP Campus Life Jen Grundke – she’s super!
22) Use my position here at the Nugget to get free stuff.
23) And, you know, chicks.
24) Announce that VP Student Affairs Aleesha Jex is NOT my secret crush.
25) Ditto for President Dwayne Williams.
26) Get more of NAIT listening to NR92 – more specifically, Chaos in a Box, every Wednesday at 5.
27) Found out what the heck is in that time capsule in the South Learning Centre.
28) Hey, I just realized I can do #4 and #17 at the same time if I do it right….
29) Share with the campus that there’s no finer entertainment than going down to a NAITSA General Council meeting and listen to Construction Engineering bitch about how they weren’t told about things beforehand.
And, as always….
30) Take over the world.
And that’s it. Thanks everyone, for reading my insane ramblings these past four months. Remember, the universe is a wondrous place, with treasures to satisfy desires both divine and gross. But it’s not for the timid. If you can’t take a little bloody nose, then perhaps you should go home and hide under your bed. It’s not safe out here.
And, just one last opportunity to remind you to listen to…The Aftermath with Joey Strummer, every Thursday at 5 on NR92. And if you can’t figure out who my secret crush is from that clue, then maybe you should go to SAIT. Goodnight, everybody!