I am an explorer. I push myself into the unknown to find out more about the world around me. I look to my heroes – Captains Kirk, Picard, and Sisko – for inspiration. Brave explorers all. Venturing out into the final frontier. Seeking out all there is in heaven and Earth. To learn more about the universe around us; to find out more about the human condition; to discover what makes things work so as to further the human race. Being an explorer is one of the noblest professions. I am an explorer.
At least, this is what I kept telling myself as I looked at the wall of dildos.
I love West Edmonton Mall. One of the things I love the most about it is its dynamism. It’s in a constant state of flux. One of your favourite stores that stood there for years may be gone tomorrow and replaced with something new next week. Something that was new last week may not have what it takes to last, and will be closed tomorrow. Even the mall’s various attractions are subject to this, as leaked plans to the Internet show that the indoor lake and submarines are to be phased out over the next ten years. West Edmonton Mall is always changing, save for one or two constants.
These constants are to be expected. They are anchors such as the Bay and Sears. Zellers and HMV have also always been in the mall, although they moved to larger locations when they became available. There are smaller constants, too, such as my comic book store Comic King, formerly known as Graphic Fantasy. One of the most curious of these constants, though, has always been a little store called Luv n Stuff.
Luv n Stuff is right across the hall from Comic King, and was always a mystery to me. When I was a child, my parents would turn my head away from it as we walked through the mall. When junior high came, my brother and I would always walk by it slowly, making lewd jokes about what must lay inside and daring each other to go in. Now that I am a mature adult, I often walk buy Luv n Stuff with indifference, my curiosity always satisfied by the window displays. My most favourite recent moment, though, had to be when I was walking by the window display with my entire family, and my 4-year old niece pointed in the window and said, “Mommy has one of those!” I didn’t bother to see what she was pointing at.
Now, at the ripe young age of 26, I was walking though West Edmonton Mall with the latest of issue of ToyFare magazine under my arm. As I was walking through the mall and down towards the movie theatre, I once again slowed as I passed Luv n Stuff. I looked around. It was a Thursday afternoon, and as such, rather quiet in the mall. A hundred junior high dares uttered by my brother floated through my mind. I shrugged and said the words that have gotten me into the most trouble in my short life: “Why not?” I stepped inside the sex shop.
As I looked around, things didn’t seem to match the imaginings of my junior high self and my junior high brother. There were several racks of rather tasteful lingerie lining the walls. A shelf just a little farther in held various erotic board games with titles like “Strip Checkers.” At this point, I had trouble seeing what the fuss was over all these years. It seemed no worse than a San Francisco store crossed with the women’s underwear section at Sears.
A little farther in, and now things were starting to get odd. This is where things started getting a little more phallo- and vaginal-centric. It was a candy rack. The candies were in unusual shapes. The boxes were quite clearly labelled “gummi penises.” I pursed my lips. I raised my lone eyebrow in my best Mr. Spock fashion and muttered the word, “Fascinating.” There several other candies whose designs and names have since been forgotten. Or repressed. I ventured a little farther in, and soon found my junior high imaginings come true.
I was now facing a wall with a wide selection of toys for the discriminating (and possibly lonely) woman. “I am an explorer,” I thought as I stared at this wall of dildos. I guess my biggest surprise was that there is such a wide selection. Who would have known that they come in pastel green? And I didn’t know that they were such a feat of engineering. There were ones covered with bumps. There were ones covered with ridges. And there were ones with smaller ones sticking out the side. There were battery operated ones and manual ones and ones with remote controls. There were very, very narrow ones which, if the packaging were to be believed, are meant for an uncomfortable place. And I don’t mean the backseat of a Volkswagen. When I saw the one that was eighteen inches long and about eight inches in diameter, I winced in pain. And then, I remembered a Madonna song: Do you know what it feels like for a girl?
I was amazed at the breadth of the female masturbation industry. And then I remembered that, when you consider that men make up the majority of porn viewership, the men still have the women beat.
I rounded the corner and stumbled across the toys for men. A shelf with boxes containing inflatable dolls. Woman in a box! I looked at the price tags and was amazed that people exist that pay upwards of several hundred dollars for these things. Then I looked down on the floor to find ones that you didn’t have to inflate. It was a whole row of artificial women, all folded up and packaged in clear plastic boxes. It was like I had walked into a horror movie. I stared at one just long enough to see that it had the Hustler seal of quality. I looked up and saw that there was nothing left in the store but a shelf of porno movies. I figured that there was no need to go any farther, and I turned to leave.
As I left, I passed a selection of condoms. Nice to see they cover the basics. As I passed the candy rack, I quickly glimpsed the “gummi boobs” and I kept on walking. Before long, I pushed on through, back into the world of the mall. I was back in the comfortable and familiar. I clutched my copy of ToyFare close to my heart, and mused about the toys I had just seen. I glanced at my watch and saw I had just enough time to check out HMV and then see my movie.
I am an explorer. I push myself into the unknown to find out more about the world around me. I look to my heroes – Captains Kirk, Picard, and Sisko – for inspiration. Brave explorers all. Venturing out into the final frontier. Seeking out all there is in heaven and Earth. To learn more about the universe around us; to find out more about the human condition; to discover what makes things work so as to further the human race. Being an explorer is one of the noblest professions. I am an explorer.
At least, this is what I’ll tell myself next time I go into the Body Shop. Just what the heck is mango body butter for anyway? And if it’s for what I think it’s for, well then, it’s in the wrong shop.