The Life Evaluation Form

Chaos in Print

Hello! And welcome to the afterlife! Yes, I’m sorry you had to find out like this, but you are dead. As you are standing here in line, awaiting your final judgement, we hope you’ll take the time to fill out this form. Even we here who run the universe are curious to know how well we’re doing, and we find that this is one of the most effective ways. Don’t worry, it’s completely anonymous. (We know we tell you that He is always watching, but just this once, She won’t look.) If you aren’t carrying a pen or pencil, just ask the angel who gave you this, and he or she will gladly give you one. Have fun and enjoy eternity!

Section 1: Personal Information

1)      What is your gender (circle one)?

  • Male
  • Female
  • Undecided
  • What is your sexual orientation (circle one)?
    • I like boys
    • I like girls
    • A little of both
  • Favorite colour:

______________

  • Favorite book:

_______________

 

Section 2: Faith

 

  • What is your religion? (If atheist, don’t bother with the rest of this, as you’ll be fading out of existence shortly)

 

 

  • How helpful was your religion in giving you a moral center?

 

 

  • How well did your religion prepare you for death?

 

 

Section 3: Childhood

Please circle one

  • Was your birth painful?
    1. Very Painful
    2. Painful
    3. Mild Discomfort
    4. Painless
    5. Very Painless
  • How easy was your toilet training?
    1. Very Hard
    2. Hard
    3. Mild
    4. Easy
    5. Very Easy
  • How traumatic was not getting what you want for your birthday?
    1. Very Traumatic
    2. Traumaitc
    3. Doesn’t Matter
    4. Non-Traumatic
    5. Very Non-Traumatic
  • At this age, did you really find the opposite gender icky?
    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. Not sure
  • How would you rate your childhood as a life experience (one being the worst; five the best)?
    1. 1
    2. 2
    3. 3
    4. 4
    5. 5

 

Section 4: Puberty

  • Was puberty painful at all?
    1. Very Painful
    2. Painful
    3. Mild Discomfort
    4. Painless
    5. Very Painless
  • How did you feel when hair started growing down there?
    1. Horrified
    2. Stunned
    3. Non-chalant
    4. Pleased
    5. Proud
  • Did the opposite gender stop being icky?
    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. See what I put for “sexual orientation” and figure it out
  • Any embarrassing moments with the whole voice changing thing?
    1. Too many
    2. A lot
    3. A few
    4. One or two
    5. None
  • How would you rate puberty as a life experience?
    1. 1
    2. 2
    3. 3
    4. 4
    5. 5

 

Section 5: Teenage Years

  • Were your teenage years painful at all?
    1. Very Painful
    2. Painful
    3. Mild Discomfort
    4. Painless
    5. Very Painless
  • Did you really know better than your parents?
    1. Yes
    2. In retrospect, yes
    3. In retrospect, no
    4. No
  • Do you regret making fun of the nerds?
    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. I was a nerd
  • What was the biggest right of passage?
    1. Getting drivers license
    2. First sexual encounter
    3. First beer
    4. Hello! I was a nerd!
  • How would you rate your teenage years as a life experience?
    1. 1
    2. 2
    3. 3
    4. 4
    5. 5

 

Section 6: Young Adulthood

  • Was your young adult life painful at all?
    1. Very Painful
    2. Painful
    3. Mild Discomfort
    4. Painless
    5. Very Painless
  • What were your thoughts on true love?
    1. It exists and I found it!
    2. It exists, but I never found it
    3. It doesn’t exist
    4. I can’t believe even those who run the universe have fallen for this ploy by the greeting card companies
  • How badly did you want a career?
    1. Very badly
    2. Badly
    3. Not bad enough
    4. Work sucks. I’m an artist.
  • Did you get enough?
    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. Enough what?
  • How would you rate your young adulthood as a life experience?
    1. 1
    2. 2
    3. 3
    4. 4
    5. 5

 

Section 7: Middle Age

  • Was your midlife painful at all?
    1. Very Painful
    2. Painful
    3. Mild Discomfort
    4. Painless
    5. Very Painless
  • How well did you handle your midlife crisis?
    1. Bought a car
    2. Got a new job
    3. Got a divorce
    4. Didn’t have one
  • Was the declining sexdrive a problem?
    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. Oh my God, I’m still a virgin
  • Did you really know better than your teenagers?
    1. Yes
    2. In retrospect, yes
    3. In retrospect, no
    4. No
    5. Oh my God, I’m still a virgin
  • How would you rate your midlife as a life experience?
    1. 1
    2. 2
    3. 3
    4. 4
    5. 5

 

Section 8: The Golden Years

  • Was your old age painful at all?
    1. Very Painful
    2. Painful
    3. Mild Discomfort
    4. Painless
    5. Very Painless
  • Did your children phone you enough?
    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. Oh my God, I’m still a virgin
  • Did you regret not spending more time at work?
    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. Work sucks. I’m an artist
  • At what point did you start looking forward to death?
    1. When I retired
    2. When I started losing my faculties
    3. When I lost control of my bodily functions
    4. When I realized I was still a virgin
    5. When I realized artists make squat
  • How would you rate your old age as a life experience?
    1. 1
    2. 2
    3. 3
    4. 4
    5. 5

 

Section 9: Life in General

  • Did you feel any pain at all?
    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. Maybe, I don’t remember
  • What did you think of the whole gender thing?
    1. Great idea!
    2. Men had it rough
    3. Women had it rough
    4. See what I put for “sexual orientation” and figure it out
  • Were you there for a good time or a long time?
    1. Good time
    2. Long time
    3. Oh my God, I died a virgin
  • Did you learn that the most accurate religious text was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3?
    1. I followed the teachings of Splinter
    2. You mean everything I put in section 2 was a waste?
    3. WHAT THE FUCK?
    4. I swear to Gozer, I was sure it was Ghostbusters
  • How would you rate your life as a life experience?
    1. 1
    2. 2
    3. 3
    4. 4
    5. 5

 

Section 10: Any Additional Comments You’d Like To Make

 

 

And that’s all. Thank you for taking the time to fill this out. Now if you look up, you’ll see that it’s time. And once again, enjoy reincarnation!

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