Chaos in Print

OK, here’s the deal. I’m taking off for the long weekend. I’m heading out to Jasper for one last big mountain expedition before heading out to Japan. I’ve been putting off writing a column all week, and now that I’m about to go, I’ve got to throw something together. I must maintain my streak! In the 2.9 years I’ve been doing this, there’s only one week where I didn’t have a column. I must fill this void! I must throw something, anything, together so I can call it a column! I must not let a week go empty again!

(We’ll ignore the fact that this is going to wind up being posted a day late, anyway, because I won’t be back until Monday night.)

Let’s see…what’s in the news. There’s a church in Ontario that now lets you make your donations via Interac. On your way in, you go up to a thing that looks like an ATM, and you make your donation. You get your receipt, and a little slip of paper that says, “I gave at the debit machine.” Then, when the collection plate is passed around, you toss in the little slip of paper. Welcome to the 21st Century.

From the pages of ToyFare magazine. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker come upon Senator Amidala from Episode II:

Luke>> How about her?

Obi-Wan>> Nope. She’s your mom.

Luke>> Damn! Am I related to every hot chick in these movies?

Episode II was better than Spider-Man.

I wish my final two volumes of Shadow Raiders would hurry up and get here. I miss Zuma!

It’s amazing how much I don’t care about Friends any more. There was a time when I wouldn’t dare miss an episode of that show. Now, I read.

Also from the pages of ToyFare. The crew of the Enterprise have been sent back in time to the year 2002 to get some whales and save the future. But, they get sidetracked in a strip club. As Kirk and Bones take in the show, Spock figures he must take matters into his own hands….

Spock>> You! Terran! Where can I find some whales?

Spider-Man>> Sorry, I’m not into fat chicks.

A week after I leave for Japan, ToyFare is releasing their trade paperback The Best of Twisted ToyFare Theater: Volume 2. I don’t suppose someone would be so kind as to pick up a copy for me? Twisted ToyFare Theater is the funniest thing on Earth.

12% of my action figure collection is female characters. (That’s 7 out of 60.)

Driving through the town of Edson, I came to the realization that their little historical park is everything I want to accomplish with SimHickTown: Tacky Tourist Things. They have a caboose, which every hick town historical society got when the railways stopped using them. They have a preserved building/museum of the area. In this case, the preserved building is the old train station. (I feel I should mention that grain elevators are becoming a popular choice.) They have a statue of a giant thing. In this case, it’s the town mascot: a squirrel. They have the penultimate of every hick town historical society: an old jet fighter mounted on a pole. And in the center of it all, a tourism information booth/gift shop run by the local chamber of commerce. That, my friends, is a winning hick town historical society. Hell, based on this experience, I’m ready to create SimHistoricalSociety.

Out of my time at Extra Foods, I would have to say there were only about 3 cute girls/co-workers. And that includes the one I fell madly in love with.

The one movie I’m afraid I’m going to miss because I’ll be in Japan is Finding Nemo.

Ray Park as Snake Eyes.

Mel Gibson as Bionic-1.

Jenna Elfman as Jem.

Bill Pullman as Matt Tracker.

And Peter Cullen as the voice of Optimus Prime.

Out of all the TV shows being turned into movies, how come no one is doing Airwolf yet?

Also from the pages of ToyFare. Norman Osborn, alone in his home, is being tormented by the mask of the Green Goblin….

Norman>> What? You want me to kidnap Mary Jane? And kill Spider-Man?

Green Goblin’s Mask>> No! I said I wanted a glass of lemonade! What the hell is wrong with you?

I had a weird dream last night. For me to say any more would simply confirm the fact that I am weird.

Ghostbusters vs. Beetlejuice. Think about it.

Something bad can be turned into something cool with one of two things: nudity or monkeys. But, if something has both nudity and monkeys, then it’s just trying too hard.

Also from the pages of ToyFare: “Giant robots are like sex and pizza. Even when they’re bad, they’re good.”

That’s two pages. I’m done. I’ll give you a column with substance…eventually.

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