We all have a happy place. It’s where we go when we’ve had a rough day at work, and we get home, flop down on the couch, and close our eyes. It’s where we go when we’ve just had a fight with our significant other, we’re feeling hurt and confused, so we close our eyes. It’s where we go when we just feel bad and want to cheer up. With all the moodiness and introspection of the new year, I’ve been visiting my happy place a lot. This what my happy place is like.
In my happy place, the sky is a subtle pink, the grass is a soft blue, and the rivers are filled with root beer. We all live in cotton candy houses. Each house comes equipped with a huge-ass home theater set-up, and a complete DVD library of all our favorite shows. There’s a computer room in each home, with a computer that never goes out of date. Internet access is free and fast. All of the bedrooms have giant beds with fluffy pillows, thick quilts, and warm sheets. When you sleep, you never wake up because you’re too cold or too hot. You’re just right.
In my happy place, there’s a movie theater down the street. It’s a huge building, but it has only two movie screens. However, these are the largest movie screens known to the human race. The seats in the movie theater are twice as wide as those in the real world. They are also twice as soft. The lobby is large and spacious, with a snack counter as long as the eye can see. It serves all your favorite foods, so you can enjoy anything you like while you watch your favorite film.
In my happy place, all the restaurants are fast food places. I do so love my fast food. There’s a Wendy’s, and a Burger King, and a McDonald’s, all within walking distance. And you can eat as much as you like, and never, ever worry about increasing your cholesterol or getting fat.
In my happy place, we all have our ideal body images. Don’t like how you look? A make over is as simple as looking in the mirror and imagining how you want to look. Then BAM! That’s what you look like. Want a new piercing? BAM! There it is. Don’t like that tatoo anymore? BAM! It’s gone. Want to lose those extra pounds you put on during Christmas vacation? BAM! They’re gone. It’s just that simple.
In my happy place, there is a railway. If you want to travel to some other place (i.e. Your happy place) you can just hop on the train and head for it. While being lulled to sleep by the rhythm of the rails, you can look out at the countryside. Here, you’ll see the majestic chocolate milk cows grazing on the blue hillsides. You’ll see the wondrous fuzzy teddy bears frolicking in the trees made of lollipops. And you’ll see the beautiful cukabirds gliding through the pink skies, as you roll through the big rock candy mountains that surround the border of my happy place.
In my happy place, all of our friends live within walking distance of each other. If you want to go see your best friend, it’s just a stroll down the street. You parents live up the lane. Everyone you’ve ever loved is nice and close and happy.
In my happy place, if there’s anything that makes you unhappy, just come and see me, and I’ll change it. For you see, in my happy place, I am master of all.
In my happy place, I live in the giant gingerbread castle in the center of the cotton candy village. My home theater is bigger. My DVD library is more extensive. My computer is faster. My pillows are fluffier. My quilt is thicker.
In my happy place, the theater is always showing the movies I want to see. Starting this week is Independence Day. Coming next week is The Empire Strikes Back. Next month we’re having the Transformers: The Movie film festival. Every Saturday afternoon shows the very latest Disney animated offering. And very shortly, we’ll be having the world premiere of Ghostbusters 3. Yes, in my happy place, it finally got made.
In my happy place, Wendy’s serves the Smoky Bacon Cheeseburger that I love so much. All the Whoppers in Burger King automatically come with bacon and cheese, because that’s how I like them. McDonald’s serves breakfast every hour of the day, because I like my Egg McMuffins. And all the drinks automatically come with no ice.
In my happy place, the ideal body image is my body image. At least, for the men. For the women, well, there’s a monthly publication telling them what my ideal body image for them is that month, and since it’s the only publication, well, they can’t help but desire it.
In my happy place, the railway runs in circles, because since my place is so happy, there’s no need to go anywhere else, but we all like a train ride now and then, don’t we?
In my happy place, once a week, all the people gather in the town square and pay tribute to my kind and benevolent leadership. Everyone gathers and brings presents and gifts for me. If I find the gifts to be satisfactory, the feast begins, and we all eat until we are full. At the close of the feast, then we begin my…entertainment. If I don’t find the entertainment to be satisfactory, I crush those who have displeased me beneath my thumb.
In my happy place, I AM MASTER OF ALL!! I AM THE ONE WHO DETERMINES THE COLOR OF THE SKY! I AM THE ONE WHO DICTATES HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIVES! I AM THE ONE WHO LORDS OVER YOU AND RULES YOU LIKE A KING! I AM THE ONE WHO DETERMINES WHAT THE FAVORITE MOVIES ARE! I AM THE ONE WHO DETERMINES ALL THE CURRENT TRENDS! IN MY HAPPY PLACE…I AM GOD!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Uhhh, where was I? Perhaps I’ve said too much. I mean, you’re going to start thinking that I have all kinds of emotional problems and god complexes and the like. Nothing could be further from the truth. I mean, do you know what kind of paperwork is involved in running a world? Do you know the stresses in determining the ideal body image for all? Do you know what it’s like to determine what the theater should show this week? Do you know the logistics involved in making sure that everyone you’ve ever loved lives nice and close? It’s more trouble that it’s worth. No, I don’t want to have the problems that God has. In my happy place, I have no problems.