NOTE: OK, I’m sure you know the premise by now. Every once in a while, I send these rambling e-mails to my buddy Neelix, if nothing just to get some things off my chest. So, sit back and read the latest installment in our personal correspondence!!
So, how are things on your planet? Things are going OK with me. At least, I think they are. I’ve been having these weird dreams lately. Since you read the column, I’m sure that you heard the one about the zombies and the dustbuster time machine, and the one where I was one of the lawyers on Ally McBeal by day, and hanging out with the gang from The Drew Carey Show by night. Well, wait until you here the latest. I was back in high school. I was in Physical Education. It was shortly after midterms, because there were still desks all over the place in the gym. Rather than have us move the desks, our teacher ordered us to do wind sprints between the desks. You know, that’s where you run to the other side of the gym, touch the wall, turn around, run back, and touch the other wall. We were ordered to do five. So, I took off running. But, as I was running, things got all slow-motion and bullet time, like in The Matrix. As I ran towards the opposite wall, rather than simply touch the wall, I ran halfway up it, then I slammed my hand against the wall. I then pushed myself off of the wall, like I would push myself off the side of a swimming pool. I flew halfway across the gym before I hit the ground and kept running. When I reached the wall, I leaped as high as I could, hitting the wall, turning around and doing it again. Every time I did a sprint, I was jumping higher and higher along the side of the wall. Then, on the last sprint, someone wanted to stop me. He started stacking a row of desks in front of me, and sat in defiance in the lead desk. I yelled out “Keep your head down!” I jumped up on to that first desk, over that kid’s head, over the other desks, and landed on the wall. I then ran down the wall, past that kid, and towards the far wall. But, rather than touch the wall and stop, I hung a right, and ran out of the gym. Out in the hallway, I looked back to see my PhysEd teacher, waving me back into the gym. I gave him the finger, did a giddy back flip, and walked away. Halfway down the hall, I ran into my English teacher. He asked why I wasn’t in class. I just grinned and said “I don’t think I have to take PhysEd anymore.” And then I woke up. Very weird. I’m starting to worry for my mental health.
But forget this talk of dreams! Let us talk of reality! My sister rented Strange Brew the other night. You remember that, right? The Bob & Doug McKenzie movie? The best way to describe that movie is pure, inspired lunacy. Actually, watching it the other day (and only for my second time), I began seeing how it might have possibly influenced the Wayne’s World movies. If you’ve never seen Strange Brew, let me review the plot. After putting a mouse in a beer bottle, they go off to the Elsinore Brewery to try and get a free case of beer. But, they get jobs there instead, and before long they have to help stop the plans of the evil Brewmeister Smith, who’s adding a mind-controlling drug to beer in an attempt to take over the world! Actually, you have to watch it for yourself. It’s actually very loosely based on Hamlet. Seriously. It makes me wish that they were able to film the sequel. Yes, there is a sequel all good to go. It was going to be called Home Brew, and be about Bob & Doug’s adventures as they open their own micro-brewery. They even got Dan Aykroyd to play the villain. They were going to film it last summer. But, a week before filming was to start, the financing fell through! So, this film is now tied up in courts as they sue the financiers, and try to get someone else to put up the money. I at least hope it is out in 2003, just in time for the 20th anniversary of Strange Brew.
Speaking of TV shows-turned-movies, I got a brilliant idea. I think I told it to you before, but I’ll tell you again. Do you know what animated TV program we all grew up with is prime to be resurrected as an animated feature? The Raccoons! I tell you, that is just made to be a movie. I tell you I would pay my $8 to see that film. Bert, Ralph, and Melissa Raccoon, fighting the evil Cyril Sneer to save the Evergreen Forest. And, with the growing mis-trust of big business and large corporations, Sneer makes a perfect movie villain. We could get the Spice Girls to do a cover version of that closing credits theme. Each and every character could be a Beanie Baby! Ye gods, I’m starting to sound like Disney. Actually, what strikes me about that cartoon is how many Canadian voice over talent must have started on that show. A few weeks ago, I made this startling connection: Melissa Raccoon is Sailor Jupiter! Watch a rerun of The Raccoons followed by an episode of Sailor Moon and I’m sure you’ll be able to catch it for yourself. And, although I haven’t confirmed it yet, I’m fairly sure that Shafer, that lovable big dog (who provided the link between the human and animal worlds) is Rhinox on Beast Wars. I haven’t confirmed it yet. One of these days, I’ll tape the end credits of The Raccoons, find out who did Shafer’s voice, and cross reference it with the end credits of Beast Wars.
Actually, speaking of Beast Wars, are you keeping up with Beast Machines? Jeez, that’s one of the coolest cartoons on television. And the new developments! So, it turns out that the Vehicons of Thrust and Tankkor are actually the former Maximals Silverbolt and Rhinox! Rhinox, who was once corrupted to be evil, has had his true self brought to the surface, only to side with Megatron! Rhinox has succumbed to the dark side. But Thrust/Silverbolt is more interesting. In that case, he is still what Tankkor/Rhinox once was: the good is still inside him, but it is repressed. Do you think Blackarachnia’s love can bring him back? I sure hope so. Oh, and with Optimus done his vision quest, do you think he’ll return to command? I mean, Cheetor’s been doing OK as the leader, but Optimus is the once and future commander. Only time (and next week’s episode) will tell.
Anyway, things are getting kind of late. I think I’ll get off now and go to bed.