So You Want To Be On TV

Chaos in Print

I’m sure that you’ve heard by now that MuchMusic, Canada’s music video station, has begun a nationwide search for a new VJ. For those who have never watched MuchMusic, a VJ is one of those people who introduce the music videos, keep you advised of any contest that they are having, and get flown all around the world to interview big rock stars. It is one of the most coveted positions in Canadian broadcasting. And they have just thrown open the doors for anyone to try and do it! So, I figure that since I am looking for work, why don’t I jump into the fray? This could be the perfect opportunity for the Scarecrow to come out of retirement!

A quick breeze by the MuchMusic website told me all I needed to know. For your application (contest entry is more like it) what you have to do is grab a video camera and prepare a brief audition tape. Then, what you do is fill out a questionnaire that you can either download from the website, or pick up at any HMV location across Canada. Since I live in Nowhere, Alberta, I knew it’d be a long time before I get back into Edmonton, so I downloaded the questionnaire, and began looking it over. A few questions troubled me somewhat, so I thought I’d post them here, in the hopes that I could get some feedback from you, my loyal readers:

In 25 words or less, tell us who you are – Now, in 25 words, how would you describe the glory and majesty that is me? I know one thing’s for sure, I should avoid the phrase “glory and majesty that is me.” Right now, I’m leaning towards “That fat comic book store guy on The Simpsons, only with less of a life.”

Describe your personal style – Do I actually have a style? I am strictly of the racks at Zeller’s. All I can think of right now is that I am the “anti-GAP.”

What’s the last concert you attended? and What’s the best concert you’ve ever attended? – Now, these two questions confound me because I’ve never been to a concert in my life. I’m just afraid that admitting that will lower my chances. It’s not my fault that every time someone I want to see comes to Edmonton I’m unemployed and can’t afford tickets! If those concert promoters could just call me and say “Hey! So-and-so is coming to Edmonton in a month. Can you afford tickets? No? Well, then, he’ll cancel. Call us when you’ve got a job.”

What are the last 3 CDs you bought? – The last 3 CDs I bought were the single for Look At Me by Geri Halliwell, the South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut soundtrack, and Weird Al’s Running With Scissors. What do you think that says about me? I think it says “Geez, this guy’s got varied tastes in music.”

Name 1 book that has influenced you – This one’s easy: 1984 by George Orwell. You ever read that? Good stuff.

Who are your heros? – Should I be sentimental and say my parents and my high school science teacher, or should I be the geek that I am and say Batman, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Data?

If you had the opportunity, what are the first three questions you would ask a) the Backstreet Boys b) The Tragically Hip? – I think the purpose of this question is two-fold: will you treat Canadian artists differently, and where do your tastes in the top 40 lie. I’m not sure I’d treat either one differently, because I’m indifferent to both their music. To tell the truth, I’m hard-pressed to name even one Tragically Hip song.

What do you think are the burning issues that concern Canadian youth? – Besides what’s causing that burning sensation? 🙂 But seriously, I’m not sure if I’m still youthful enough to know. If I had to guess, it would probably be a diminishing job market, couple with the fact that any degree you get is pretty much useless.

What makes Lauryn Hill worth knowing about? – Besides the fact that her music’s pretty good? I’m not sure. I think I would stick with the fact that her music’s pretty good. I mean, it’s always something like that that makes you want to learn more about a person.

So, the answers to some of these questions require some thought. I’ll be bugging my sister for help constantly over the next few weeks. But this is only one part of the equation. There is still that audition tape. I’ve been thinking about what I could put in it. I happened to catch a VJ on Much the other day who said “Keep it short. We don’t want any 10-minute epics.” Right now, I’m shooting for somewhere between 2-5 minutes. I’m thinking I’ll start it like this:

(Camera fades in on me)

Mark>> Hi! I’m Mark Cappis, one of the thousands of VJ hopefuls. I kept thinking to myself “Gee, what I could I do to make my audition tape stand out?” and it finally donned on me. I’m going to do my audition NAKED!!! (Proceed to rip off shirt)

(Cut to a standard “We are experiencing technical difficulties” sign. Elevator music playing in the background. After about 5 seconds, cut back to Mark.)

Mark (buttoning up shirt)>> OK, my cameraman has advised me that nudity is not my friend. So, don’t worry, the rest of this tape will feature me fully clothed.

And then, I don’t know what to do from there. I’m thinking that maybe I’d walk all over town, doing some of my good ol’ DJ patter, in a pseudo-Rick Mercer style streeter. Maybe I’ll head off into the woods and do some kind of Blair Witch Project thing. And maybe I’ll just do it from my basement. But for the most part, it’ll be that standard DJ patter that made the Scarecrow such an Augustana institution. Maybe I’ll even throw in a “What’s wrong with society” just for old time’s sake.

I guess what I really want to know is if the Scarecrow has what it takes to go national. I mean, I’m constantly watching MuchMusic and going “I could do that.” On the season finale for my first year, I ended by saying “Gee, I’d sure like to do this on Much. Then you could all see the sexy face that goes with the sexy voice.” I always said that, in one form or another, the Scarecrow would return. This is my opportunity. I’m sure I could pull it off. I’m already doing what they say is a good thing: setting a goal, and visualizing seeing it through. Only problem is, that’s always backfired on me in the past. Oh, well. I can do this. And if I can’t, well, it’s their loss. Wish me luck! I’m going to be famous!!