Chaos in Print: The Further Adventures of the Scarecrow — 1st Edition

Greetings, y’all! So, how was your summer? I hope it was as profitable as it was educational. Prepare to blow your savings! For those of you who are first year students, I welcome you to this, the first day of the rest of your lives. You have made a wise choice for your post-secondary education. And for all you returning students, why the hell did you come back!? Haven’t you learned anything yet? Anyways, we are all here.

For those of you who don’t know who I am (about 95% of the campus), ’tis I, the Scarecrow. Ever since I started coming to this place, I have done a little show on CLCR called Chaos in a Box (Wednesdays at 9, as soon as the station is on its feet). With the show being a nice little boost to my self-esteem, I have now begged our esteemed editor Mr. Bowick to let me do this column in my continuing attempt to subvert young minds. Plus, there are certain things you can do in a paper that you can’t do on the radio. For one thing, I don’t have to play music between paragraphs. I can go off on a ten minute tangent without someone calling in and saying “Hey, play some music already!” Also, more people read the Dag than listen to CLCR. I believe CLCR has 12 listeners, and the Dag has 20 readers, so I can mindlessly plug my show to try and even things out. And, if all goes well, I’ll be getting a nifty “The Dag” T-shirt at the end of the year.

So, with the pleasantries out of the way, let’s get to this column. First of all, it is great to be back at school. I had one of the most exhausting summer jobs imaginable. I didn’t work in an office. I didn’t work at McDonald’s. I had a real job. I worked graveyard shift on a gravel crusher. My average work day started at 6 in the evening and went until 3 in the morning. And that doesn’t include the half-hour drive to the room I was renting. If there is one thing I learned working on a gravel crusher, that is never reveal to people below your intelligence that you’re a Physics major. As soon as I mentioned that, I was suddenly Bill Nye the Science Guy of the pit. Oh, the stupid questions I got asked! “Where does lightning come from?” “Why do the stars shine?” “What will happen if that tornado touches down?” It was good money, though, so I can’t (shouldn’t?) complain much.

With that summer over, I now find myself back in the city of Camrose, once again pursuing an education. There were lots of new things I discovered around town, which is one of the benefits of being gone for four months. First of all, they are building a new movie multiplex in the mall. It is where IGA used to be. Looks like the architecturally superior, but technically inferior Baily theater may be going the way of the dinosaur. Video Update at the top of the hill will be going out of business shortly, as soon as they find a new tenant for that space (or so I hear). But, with all these delightful changes, they still did not build my Wendy’s. We must petition to get one of the greatest fast food restaurants of all time into town! (And preferably within walking distance of the campus.)

Now, there are the campus changes. For the first time in like a millennium, admissions are UP!! Those TV commercials must have finally done some good. The computer lab has been completely upgraded, with every computer now being as powerful as the one I blew my summer savings on. The coffee house is now open late, something that I was wondering when they’d do. Also, I have heard that while none of us were looking, the new library project has been quietly scrapped. If it is true, I get first dibs on the sign. It will look great hanging on my door. The change that I think is the coolest are those bells now hanging from Faith and Life. Although, when I first heard them ringing, my first thought was “Yay! Where’s the ice cream truck?” But, like a cancerous tumor, they have grown on me. Now all we need are some gargoyles on the roof and Faith and Life will be complete.

Now, the changes in my life. I still live on campus, only now I am in the happy hall called Marken. I am trying to love thy neighbor, but it is difficult. There is one person in my hall (I won’t name names) who always seems to be in a bad mood. Whenever someone walks into the floor lounge, I like to wave hello to that person. It’s just a friendly habit I picked up. But, when I wave hi to this guy, he says “Do that again and I’ll rip your arm off.” He hasn’t broken any of my body parts yet, so I keep doing it. And I will do it until he does break my arm off. Then, I’ll use my other arm. If there’s one thing I learned from the movie Ghandi, it’s that passive resistance works. Oh, speaking of people who annoy me, there are none more annoying than that group of morons who laugh at people who get locked into the cafeteria on weekends. Your laughing is hurtful and emotionally damaging. Do it again, and I’ll be forced to call my “Uncle,” Fat Tony. Is it my imagination, or did people get meaner over the summer? Oh, which biblical cliche should I follow in regards to these people? “Turn the other cheek,” or “an eye for an eye?”

Oh, well, I should ignore these rotten apples, and keep digging through the barrel. I am, after all, doing this column, and my show (Wednesdays at 9, as soon as the station is on its feet). These two media have always been my way to blow off steam at the frustrations of University life. I can cut down jerks, make fun of certain evil profs, and enjoy this all because I use an assumed name. So, if you are currently drinking a beverage as you read this (and if your not, please go get one), I ask you to raise your glasses in toast to another great year at Augustana, another great year of the Dag, and another great year of CLCR. Goodnight, everybody!

Don’t forget, if you didn’t like this column, then you’ll probably hate the Scarecrow’s show, Chaos in a Box with the Scarecrow, Wednesdays at 9 on CLCR (as soon as it’s up and running).

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